After Losing A Parent

Losing A Parent

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Brian Ramirez: My mom came home from a doctor’s appointment, and she just walked up to me, silent, and started crying. And I knew that something was really, really wrong. It just felt like the entire world had dropped, and everything that I knew, even as a young kid, ended on that day. My mom got diagnosed with cancer, and I was only 12. I had to take care of her and also my brother, who has a mental disability. And it was just a lot. I started to wonder, “Why? Why me? Why did I need to go through this? Where is God in all of this?”

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Brian Ramirez: My name is Brian Ramirez, and I was born and raised in Harbor City, California. My childhood was rough, to say the least. I was raised by a single mother. She was not really working as much as well, so we had to get by on just government money, so we didn’t really have the opportunities that other people had growing up. I remember always trying my best to perform well in school and to get good grades, because in my head, that meant that I could do something later in life to make it out of that situation.

In 2007, my mom got diagnosed with cancer, and I was only 12 at the time. My mom came home from a doctor’s appointment. She just walked up to me, silent, and started crying. And I knew that something was really, really wrong. And when she told me, it just felt like the entire world had dropped. And everything that I knew, even as a young kid, ended on that day because it meant I needed to be there for my mom. And that’s, I would say, the day that childhood ended and adulthood had to begin, even at such a young age. And I had to take care of her and also my brother, who has a mental disability. And it was just a lot. 

It almost felt a bit militant at times, because I needed to be on top of everything, from my day at such a young age, and I would have to come straight home, make sure that my mom had everything she needed, her medications, and help her out with food at home. And then also just help make sure that the house was clean and make sure that my brother did all his chores, and somehow, some might find time even to do my own homework and studying for school.

I remember having all-nighters to study for exams and to just try and get everything done. I felt really alone and left out at times. I didn’t really get to do everything I feel like I wanted, and it’s hard because, of course, this is my mom, I wanted to take care of her, and I started to wonder, “Why? Why me? Why did I need to go through this?” It happened all the way up until graduation time that I felt this way.

Where Is God In All Of This?

I was questioning, why would I, a young person, still in high school, undergo so much stress and pain and trials, and where is God in all of this? It was something I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know what place to go to. Where should we go for help? What should we do at this point? Yeah, and that really, that really hurt me, because I just felt like I was lost a lot of the time.

There were times I did feel angry and confused because I wanted to know God. I wanted to know who He was and what He wanted me to do, especially in this situation. In 2012, that’s when I felt the most angry, confused, and emotional, because that’s when my mom passed away. And to be honest, I didn’t know what to do at that point. I felt like I lost the one person in my life who I always looked up to. I lost the person that took care of me, and now I feel like I don’t have anyone. And now I’m not even 18 yet, and where do I go from here? So I did feel angry. I felt like I was being left to fight life by myself. 

No Direction In Life

Growing up, we actually were in a Baptist church. That’s where my mom attended, and she took my brother—she took me. I wouldn’t see some of the things that were being preached make sense. And one of those things, especially, was about the Trinity. We were taught to believe in it, that God was three persons. He was God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. And I remember always thinking, “How does that make sense?”

But I always did have those questions sort of in the back of my mind at the time, even up until I had left the Baptist Church, which was in 2012. Once I learned of my mom’s sickness, I started to ask a lot more questions of why things happen. Is it the beliefs? Is it where I am? Is it something that we’ve done? But I also wanted to know exactly what, what does God want for our future? And that really boggled my mind, because I wasn’t sure where my direction was in life from there. 

I Wanted To End It All

When she passed away. There were so many things happening at once. It was a lot to really take in. She passed away, and then maybe a week later, we had her funeral service. A week after that, we had to move out of our place because there’s no more income coming in. And then, about a week or so after that, I already had to move away to university. And that was probably the toughest, just being on a plane knowing that I’m leaving behind an entire life that is now gone, and I just remember feeling so alone. I was scared of what was ahead of me. I compartmentalized, I think a lot of it during that time, especially, I think I sort of had to put it in the back of my head, because I was just in this new place, and I had to fight for myself and figure out how to succeed in university.

That didn’t really work out too well. I became depressed at that time for a while, probably about the first two years of university. And so I tried to do my best to be better about that situation, but I just felt like everything I did was not working out. I went to Bucknell University in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania. I was there to study a dual degree in biomedical engineering and also management or business. It was a full-ride scholarship. So that was basically my ticket out of our situation to make something of myself. But I feel like at that time, of course, with everything weighing down on me, I just felt like I couldn’t continue. And I was only there for two years before I ended up dropping out. 

I was a straight-A student all throughout school. And I wanted to do the same thing to excel in university, and have family members that were counting on me to be a doctor, to be a top engineer, something to make the family proud. And I feel like I had let them down at that time. I just felt like everything that I was feeling was catching up to me. It was weighing down on my heart, and I found myself on a bridge, and I remember that I wanted to jump. And I remember that very clearly, I wanted to just end it all. I felt like I was so alone and so forgotten about that without my mom, and not being able to do anything in my life, and coming at this, this head, in this rock bottom, what was the point? Was the point of life anymore?

I don’t know what it was at the time, but it just felt like this force that didn’t want me to do that jump. I wanted to so badly, but it didn’t, didn’t happen. I even threw my shoes out because I was just so angry, but I was also angry, wondering why I can’t do that. What in the future is possibly there that could be better than all of this that I’ve been dealing with right now? 

When Is This Going To Get Better?

So for about a year or so, I just took odd jobs. I just started working here and there wherever I could, maybe a cafe here, or maybe a warehouse here, just to get by on my own. I wasn’t looking really to the future anymore, because I kept wondering, “Where, where is the future?” When is this going to get better? I just felt like at that point, it was getting worse and worse. It was more of a worry all the time of what’s going to be next. You know what bad thing is coming around the corner. 

In 2015, I met some friends, and they were the first ones to introduce me to the Church Of Christ. And at first I thought, I don’t know if I’ll check this out. You know, I’ve already had, sort of, my feelings about the churches I was visiting, trying to find a home, but I did have it in the back of my mind to, you know, write the name down and just see maybe I might attend. 

I was trying to find answers to why my life was the way it was at that time, and look and see if I could possibly find God, and wonder, why am I still here? So I hopped around to different services. I attended Catholic services, I attended Pentecostal services, even non-denominational Christian services, even online, and none of them seemed to have done anything, or it felt like home. I didn’t really feel any sort of connection with God, and I just felt like He wasn’t in any of those places I was going to. They would preach and talk about their own book, for example, like a book that they authored, or they would talk about their own CD or DVDs, and they were trying to sell those as well. So it mostly felt a bit businessy. It didn’t really feel like an actual church where you wanted to go there specifically because you wanted to focus and worship God.

When I finally started thinking about attending a service for the Church Of Christ, I remember it was a quiet night, and I wasn’t really doing much, and I just thought to myself, why don’t I just give it a try? I don’t have anything to lose by attending one service. Let me just give it one service, and I’ll see. And I did an online search for Iglesia Ni Cristo near me, and I found a congregation which was in Oxnard, California. And that’s when I decided, okay, it’s not a far drive. It’s maybe about 20 minutes. Let me just go. Let me just go and see what this is all about. And I drove there, and I got there just before service started.

The First Conversation That Changed Everything

And, I was completely intrigued. It was different from anything I had seen. It felt right. And even the orderliness of the service, you know, having the male sit on one side, the female sit on another, it told me there was a focus on God already. That we’re not here to distract ourselves, we’re here to worship God. And the choir was amazing as well. They sang so beautifully, and they were all in unison. 

When I went to that service, I felt comfortable. I felt welcomed, even from the secretaries who were in the front; they welcomed me. They were very kind, and they helped me and guided me in everything a part of the service. When I went in and sat down, it was easy to listen to, and I felt like the lesson actually touched me, and it felt like the right thing was being preached in the right method.

And I remember after service, we exited, and the minister actually came out, because I think he noticed me, that I was new in the congregation, and he said, “Brother, brother, wait up, wait up.” And then he pulled me aside and just asked me who I am, and you know how I found the Church of Christ in that congregation. And that was the first conversation that changed everything. He invited me to learn more about the Church [Of Christ]. And he asked a lot of questions about what I currently believed. And he went through already from the first lesson, which was about the Trinity, and just debunking that entire thing. Showing me, really proving to me that that wasn’t in the Bible and that we should see God in a different way, just as our Father. He is the one and only true God, just by Himself overall. 

I felt like anyone who believed in God or in Jesus Christ was going to be saved. And I didn’t really see the connection to how there could be a true Church. But I gave that question a chance, and I actually listened to the minister that helped me to go through the Bible studies, and he showed me why there is a true Church and who the true nation actually is. 

That made a lot of sense to me because of what I went through prior, and all the questions I had, and all the feelings I was having, even about the Baptist Church I grew up in, or even any other church as well that I was attending, or just trying to find where my home truly was. It made sense when he said there is a true Church. 

And I’m just thinking, Okay, I had this feeling before where I didn’t feel right in these other places. That must mean that there is a true place to go to where you can feel like it’s the right place. You can feel like you’re connected to God. You can feel like you’re serving Him and you’re doing the right thing. And even still, then there’s a future in place for me, knowing that I’m in that right place.   

There Was Nothing I Could Prove Wrong

I did listen to the Bible studies. I did have some apprehensions as a Bible student. It was something that was very new to me, but it felt very structured, and that felt both good and also a bit daunting to me at that time. Because I had already gone to so many other churches, just to try to find what I was looking for, which was a truth, and find where God truly is. So there were times where I felt like, is all of this that I’m learning, is it too good to be true? Is it actually correct? 

I asked a ton of questions as a Bible student, I asked pretty much everything that there’s a lesson for inside the Church Of Christ. I asked, okay, if the Trinity is not real, you know, how should we view or see God? You know, how can I know that this Church is the true Church? What sort of prophecies kind of go in line with that? 

The biggest thing that caught my attention was that every question I had previously asked a minister in another church there were differing answers. And nothing really sort of came from the Bible. But then in the Church Of Christ, every question was always answered using the Bible, using God’s words, and all ministers had the same question. I think I remember even trying to ask the same question to different ministers, just to see if they would have the same answer, and they always did. And that really brought me some comfort that, okay, maybe this really is the true Church, because they’re unified.   

The “Aha moment” for me was learning about the apostasy that happened to the first-century Church Of Christ. Because going through the history and actually, you know, learning parts of history in general in school, it all connected to this point where the true religion that was being taught by our Lord Jesus Christ was going to be, you know, changed. It was going to be modified. It was going to break into all of these other things that we see today, but learning from the Church Of Christ that it would reemerge and come back. That made sense to me. This is what our Lord Jesus established, and knowing all of that history just makes me feel so much more motivated to continue to share my faith with other people in regard to this Church. 

The other thing that I looked at was the lessons that were taught. They were all the same, actually, across the entire world. So everyone is getting the same lesson imparted unto them, which was so cool. I never saw any other church do that, or be so unified, where everyone can learn about the same thing. And I could go to a friend somewhere else in the world and say, “How did you like that lesson?” And we know exactly what we were talking about. So it’s, it’s really nice to be in the Church Of Christ, because we’re able to all be able to learn and move forward and strengthen our faith in the same way all across the world. 

There was nothing I could prove wrong. It was all coming from the right places, and it wasn’t even just from a minister’s own perspective; it was all coming from the Bible. So that really changed my outlook on finding a true Church. And I was thinking, Okay, this must be, this must be the one. 

This Is The Place I’ve Been Looking For

When I say it was too good to be true, I felt like all at once, I was having all of my questions answered. And I also felt all the feelings that I had, the stress I was going through, the pain, the depression, everything I had gone through, it was like I had the answers on how to deal with everything, all in one Church. And, I guess that shocked me a bit, because it all came at one time, given the amount of time and amount of years I had spent in survival mode. And I think that once I realized that this hope and this prayer was starting to be answered, that’s when those doubts went away, and I realized, okay, this isn’t too good to be true. This is the thing that I’m looking for. This is the place that I’ve been looking for. And I feel like God’s finally showing it to me, it’s key, and He’s been here listening to me this whole time to call me. 

I can remember that when I first went to the Church Of Christ, and I went to a worship service and also started having Bible studies. I did pray to God and ask Him if this is what you want me to do. If this is a place that you want me to be, then allow me to be here fully for the rest of my life. If it’s not, then don’t allow me, because then that will tell me that it’s not the true place. I felt that prayer being answered once I was told that I was going to be baptized.

What I learned growing up in the Baptist church, but also things that my mom had taught me. It was a struggle to be able to disconnect what I learned and just see the truth that was right in front of me. And I think she would have wanted me to have my own mind and then investigate and, you know, challenge things that are currently believed in the world. And that’s what I did. I think I took that chance to be able to challenge some of the things I previously thought were 100% true. And that’s what made me realize that, okay, there are some things that I’m wrong about, and having that sort of humility to do that and disconnect from what I might think is true was very key in being able to accept everything that was coming in the lessons inside the Church Of Christ. 

He Answers My Prayers

So I feel like a lot of young people today may not care about religion or beliefs and all of those things, but when you really consider your life and everything around you, this is not all done by us. You know, there are things bigger than ourselves that were created before our time. I felt like the Church Of Christ offered me a completely new chance at life, and that was something I couldn’t find in any other church. And that renewal meant a lot to me, because I had already gone through so much, I had to speed up my adulthood and live in this survival mode for a long, long time.

And once I joined this Church, I felt like I truly had God by my side now. And he was going to lead me out of all of these things that I was dealing with. I was going to be able to finally have true happiness and true peace, and not have to look over my shoulder and just be worried about what was next. I could actually have the hope coming every single day about what’s next in the future.  

I feel like God is actually listening to me, and He can hear all of my prayers. There have been so many times now inside the Church Of Christ where I pray to God, and it’s almost like instantly, He answers a lot of my prayers. That just makes me feel a lot better inside, more peaceful. That hope translated a lot into my personal life. I was able to go back and finish a degree, and from there, I also was able to get the opportunity to move to different places around the world. Right now, of course, being in Australia, I was able to move here from the U.S., and it’s been such a great experience to be in a new country. And I also was able to meet and marry my now wife, which is a huge blessing as well. And knowing that we also have the same faith and the same beliefs is the cornerstone of our marriage and our relationship. 

“You Look Happier”

I would say to anyone, give the Church Of Christ a chance, because you have nothing at all to lose. Giving the Church Of Christ a chance means that you’re actually opening yourself to what God truly wants you to do, and also to believe in this life for everything that He has set up and wants us to obey Him for. There is a place where you can feel at home. It’s a place where you can actually feel God working in your life, for everything you go through, where all the things that you may have been, you know weighed down with in prior in your life, it will only feel like a small feather in comparison when you’re a member of the true Church Of Christ, because you know truthfully that you have God there to help you, support you, care for you, love for you. 

I honestly wish I knew the Church Of Christ sooner. But I do know that everything, of course, it happens in God’s time. And I see life completely differently. And I realized why I didn’t jump on that bridge that day. I think that was a big thing for me to understand, that there was a future. I couldn’t see it at the time. But for those that are in the Church Of Christ, you have that future. Because you’re under God’s care. 

There are people that have reached out here and there, whether on social media or other means, to tell me,  from the pictures that might have been posted or something, that I look happier. You know, knowing people from many years ago, sort of keeping an eye or watching and understanding, and seeing that, you know, I was sad at that time. I might have been depressed or angry or lost, and now, being happy they can, they can see that. So it’s nice because they can see that change. 

And I hope that, if they are in need of that same change in their life, they could also follow the same path and join inside of the Church. 

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