3 Things I Learned After 100 Days of Marriage
1. Knowing why you’re “sore-ee”.
I was raised in Canada and my wife was raised in Atlanta, Georgia. We were just married last year, and our first 100 days of marriage were filled with an abundance of Canadian “sore-ees” and “yes ma’am” and “no sir” in a subtle southern drawl. It was great! But when it came to moments where we disagreed on something, I found myself saying sorry just to get the conversation over with.
What better way to nip an argument in the bud than to just say sorry and be done with it? Once someone says sorry, that should be the end of it. Then one day, while we were discussing something I had missed on the grocery list, I went to my tried and true sorry and she turned and asked me, “What are you saying sorry for?” And I said, “I don’t know, for the groceries?” And she shook her head. I was confused. All I knew was that saying sorry makes everything ok. Why was knowing the reason behind it so important? I did some research and here’s what Harvard had to say about it:
“Research conducted at Harvard Business School indicates that we make superfluous apologies with the goal of building or maintaining trust.”
If you find yourself, like me, always saying sorry without knowing why, then we may be putting ourselves in a position where our partners aren’t feeling heard. We may think that saying sorry is the be all and end all, but I don’t think it works that way. Forgiveness is so much more than just one phrase. And saying sorry only works if you know why you’re saying it.
2. Being the head of the household isn’t about being right.
As members of the Church Of Christ, we learn that according to the Bible, the Man is the head of the household, and in marriage, is the one to lead the family. Growing up, I took this teaching very seriously, and looked forward to one day being married and leading my own Christian household with my future wife. I envisioned myself being the perfect husband to my wife, perfect father to my kids, and perfect leader to guide my active, Christian family.
After I got married, things weren’t as perfect as I had envisioned. As newlyweds, the honeymoon phase was there, but so were the arguments, miscommunications, and sometimes nights where we unfortunately went to sleep angry. Did we need marriage counseling already? I began to worry. However, in our nightly prayers, together we would accept that getting married didn’t mean our problems suddenly went away. And just because I was the head of the household, it didn’t mean that everything I said or did to fix these problems were always right. So what was I doing wrong?
Well, in my initial pursuit of perfection, I was masking my fear of being unsure. I was afraid that I wasn’t ready for this next step in adult life, that I hadn’t prepared enough, and that I was slowly losing control. I was afraid that if I wasn’t always right, that it meant I didn’t know what I was doing and that I couldn’t be the leader my wife needed me to be.
“Being wrong under any circumstances in front of others reflects to them a weakness or flaw”– Psychology Today
In the first few weeks of marriage, my wife quickly helped me see that I could be a stronger leader for her by acknowledging that we both had faults. I was able to be a better head of the household by accepting that neither of us were perfect. And I became a more understanding husband by realizing that it wasn’t about either of us being right or wrong, but about being a team.
TIP FROM A MINISTER: No Marriage is perfect, but you can still have an amazing relationship with your spouse. Marriage is holy, and the recognition of this fact is crucial for Christians to strengthen their marital ties.
3. Problems get easier with three.
When you find “the One”, you can’t help but feel like it’s only smooth sailing from here on out. You’ve waited and prayed your whole life, and finally God’s plan for you to have someone is happening. What could go wrong? Well, being God’s children doesn’t make you immune from the challenges of life, and neither does getting married to the love of your life. Thankfully, there are some ways to help get through it. I learned to embrace the ups and downs of life with my spouse, and not look at having problems as a bad thing, but an opportunity for us to turn to God and trust in Him. Because while things may get harder even with two, having God in our lives makes it easier, and significantly happier. We know that no matter how hard it gets, so long as we remain true to our faith, God’s love for us will be unconditional, and our marriage will continue to be blessed.
There are so many lessons, and teachings, and values that keep our brand new marriage thriving because we’re in the true Church Of Christ. Knowing how to truly forgive, and grow, and be patient are just some of the amazing life changing things that really help our marriage and spiritual journey together. We enjoy our time together even more. Thankfully, when it comes to being right, we’re grateful and so humbled to be on the right side when it comes to serving God. And if you’re still in the pursuit of finding the right Church to worship in, I’ve got some good news for you. You’ve found it!
Stay tuned to incmedia.org/heartandsoul where we’ll be discussing whether or not getting married is even still a good thing anymore.
About the Author:
Martin Zerrudo is a Producer at INCMEDIA Services, and a newlywed. He’s a lifetime gamer and Christian, and currently hosts the podcast “Heart & Soul”, which tackles subjects regarding Christian relationships and Christian living.