Marriage Benefits-We Don’t Just Date For Fun

[Show Opens]

Myrtle Alegado: Do you remember when you began to seriously consider getting married? On today’s episode, we’ll talk to newlyweds who will share the progression in their relationship, from meeting, to courtship, and finally to marriage.

Welcome to Happy Life, a podcast brought to you by INC Media Audio that aims to help newlyweds navigate through the first years of marriage. I’m your host, Myrtle Alegado, and I’ve been married to my husband, Paul, since 1999. Later, we’ll hear some Bible-based advice through Brother Felmar Serreno, a minister of the gospel in the Church Of Christ.

[Show Catchphrase]

Inspiration to make your marriage thrive, you’re listening to Happy Life

Myrtle: Today, I’d like to welcome our newlyweds from Yorba Linda, California to the podcast. Thanks so much for joining us on Happy Life, Aedelbert and Darlene!

Darlene Alejandro: Thank you for having us, Myrtle.

Aedelbert Alejandro: Hello! Thank you for having us.

Myrtle: How are you both doing today?

Darlene: We’re good.

Aedelbert: Doing good.

Myrtle: Well, as I understand it, you got married in January of this year, right?

Aedelbert: Correct.

Darlene: Yes.

Myrtle: Oh, well,congratulations to you both! Now, how did you both meet?

Aedelbert: So I moved to the Bay Area to finish college at San Francisco State University, and Darlene actually came up to me at one of our church events. It was a coastal cleanup. And, you know, I was hanging out with my guy friends, and Darlene came out of nowhere and just introduced herself to me.

Darlene: Yeah. [laughs]

Myrtle: Is that how you remember it, Darlene? Give us your take.

Darlene: Yeah, he was new to Daly City local congregation. And it was about a month before I met him that he was already living in Daly City. And normally when someone new or a new member [of the Church Of Christ] comes into Daly City, I usually meet them just to welcome them. I didn’t meet him yet, so when I saw him at the coastal cleanup, yeah, I just went up to him and I was like, “Hi, I’m Darlene. I haven’t met you yet, but welcome to Daly City.”

Myrtle: Aww. Well, that’s cute, Darlene!

Darlene: Yes, so I went up to him at the coastal cleanup. And then maybe a couple days after that, one of our mutual friends on Instagram posted a picture of their friend group, and that person tagged him. Since I met him, I figured, “Okay, I can follow him now.”

And then fast forward a couple more days, he posted this story about working out and he asked, “Who wants to be my workout buddy?” Mind you, I did not work out at that time but something inside me was like, “I’m going to respond and I’m going to say I’m going to be his workout buddy.” And that’s where we started talking or messaging with each other.

Aedelbert: Yeah, so after Darlene replied to my story and she said, you know, “I’ll be your workout buddy,” we actually planned to hang out one day. And you know, one thing led to another, we started texting more, and started hanging out more. That led to me falling for Darlene, and I started courting her, and then I proposed to her [in] June of 2021.

Myrtle: So, Aedel, you used the term courting, and I’d like to touch on that a little bit. In the Church Of Christ, we don’t use the term dating per se, because that implies that you’re just seeing someone in a kind of casual, romantic relationship. With courtship, we do so in a Christian manner, according to God’s teachings.

So, now you’re both in your late 20s, and you’ve been married for a few months. What do you think about those individuals who date just for the sake of dating or date just for fun?

Aedelbert: I think individuals who date just for the sake of dating or just for fun, at least from my personal point of view, I think they’re doing it just because you know, they’re bored or they’re trying to maintain this social presence online. They just want to be in this relationship so they can look cool to other people, or just simply not to seem that they’re alone, I guess.

Darlene: Yeah, I agree with Aedel to an extent. I mostly think that people nowadays date for fun because [of] peer pressure. I guess the times that a person could start dating is typically, like, when you’re a young adult. Maybe you’re a teenager and you start developing, and you want to understand more, like, these feelings that may come up with another individual in your life. And since you’re just discovering these feelings, you don’t really know what to think about them. But they’re strong enough that it moves you to do something about that, which is dating.

Your heart, it’s like it’s telling you one thing, but then your brain is saying another thing, and it’s hard to differentiate the two. And that’s why I think some people want to experiment, and they date around to see who is the best option for them.

Myrtle: And what are your opinions on this mentality?

Darlene: Dating just involves a lot of feelings in general and, personally, I feel like it involves more negative feelings than positive. To hear about the concept of dating, and dating multiple people, or dating around, someone is bound to get hurt at some point. I think it’s just inevitable.

Aedelbert: I just disagree with ‘dating for fun’ or that mentality of dating for fun. Because, honestly, what’s the point of dating when the whole reason is eventually you’re trying to get married, which goes back to courting someone in a Christian manner. At least when we’re courting someone we try and find, like, their Christian values, what they believe in, seeing how one person’s beliefs aligns with yours. For me at least, I was always taught that growing up. And if you’re going to date someone, you’re really trying to figure out why you want to spend the rest of your life with that specific person.

Myrtle: Just curious, you know, you mentioned that you want[ed] to find somebody whose values kind of align with yours. Do you think that people don’t look for that these days, that the youth don’t think about that?

Darlene: Personally, I feel like nowadays, to find someone with the same values as you, or the same faith as you, I feel like it’s not at the top of a person’s priority. Most people just think of personality traits right off the bat. Like, they have to be funny, or they have to be a certain height, or they have to, I don’t know, have brown eyes, brown hair. Stuff like that.

Aedelbert: I think people trying to find if their values align or not is lost, because people are in it for, like, a social standing type thing. So they do it for a specific reason, that they’re trying to attain this specific thing, and they know that this person can help them get it.

Myrtle: But you know, at what age or point in life do you think people should start seriously searching for a ‘forever’ relationship?

Darlene: Honestly, I can’t really put a number on it, because I didn’t think I would get married at this age. I’m 27 right now, I didn’t think I’d get married at this age. But I think they should hit certain goals in their life first. Like, for example, I think someone should be established in a career, or at least confident in the path that they’re taking in their life. I definitely think they should also be confident just on their own. To have a partner, like a forever relationship, they are just like an added blessing.

Aedelbert: There’s no set age that someone should start looking for their ‘forever’ relationship, because everyone has their own path in life. Everyone accomplishes a certain, you know, achievement in life at different ages. First of all, someone should be established in their career, just so that it doesn’t put that financial burden when, you know, it’s time to get married. Like you should be confident that you could be okay with yourself, who you are as a person, and then finding someone else to share those blessings with you in your life, then that’s the perfect time to move forward and look for that relationship.

Myrtle: And I just want to add that, of course, you should also have the blessings of your parents to go forward with a ‘forever’ relationship and, you know, that next step in life, or next step in the relationship, engagement and then marriage.

So, you know, these days it’s common practice for boyfriend and girlfriend to just move in together and not get married at all. We, as members of the Church Of Christ, do not follow this practice, and later we’ll hear what the Bible has to say about this, of course. But I’m curious about how you two feel about this.

Aedelbert: I don’t think it’s right for this type of practice. Honestly, because I think it gives people an option or like a way out. But if you’re married, of course, you got married before God and then we learned that it’s till death do you part. So you’re always going to have to figure out how to work things out. And I think at the end of the day, when you’re going through all these things on a daily basis, of course, you’re going to work through things, and try and figure out where things could be improved on, and you’ll always get through it. And when you’re married, there’s no trial and error compared to those who just live together without the benefit of marriage.

Darlene: Yeah, I agree with Aedel. There’s just no obligation to stay and, like, work things out. How do you know that they’re going to stick around for the rest of your life? Like, how do you know that things are going to work out? Compared to when you’re married, there’s that official stamp that you’re both in this for life.

Myrtle: And in your opinion, what are the positive aspects like, you know, financial or emotional to get[ting] married?

Darlene: One positive aspect to getting married, well, there’s financial benefits because obviously there’s an extra income, but it also teaches you a lot about just how to handle your money. Budgeting and saving is very essential when you’re married. I’ve been telling some of my friends, like, you really don’t know how expensive it is just to live, and have your place, and have things set in your everyday life until you’re married. I don’t know if it’s just me. [laughs]

I’ve been encouraging some of my friends, who could be on their way to getting married, to start this when you are engaged, maybe even if you have a feeling that you’re going to be engaged, to start saving a lot and learning about how to budget your money.

Myrtle: Okay, I’m going to do a shameless plug for our episode number two. If you haven’t listened to that yet, it’s the episode with Chris and Alyssa about Buying Your First House as Newlyweds. So, they talk a lot about budgeting, financial planning, and just being, you know, able to have that open discussion. So yeah, as per Darlene and what she’s been telling her friends, give that episode a listen if you want to know more about that aspect of getting married.

Darlene: I heard that episode when it came out, and I was still able to learn from that and we’re already married. But yeah, it’s a great episode.

But going back to positive aspects, another positive is the emotional benefits. He is my calm whenever I have anxiety, so it’s very peaceful to have him around.

Aedelbert: To kind of continue on that, I think one of the biggest benefits that we get from being married is you’ll always have someone there to really go through everything together. Whether it’s little, big decisions in life, they’ll always be there to support you no matter what you do. And you won’t really have to go through anything alone anymore.

Myrtle: Well, thank you for sharing, you know, what you believe are the positive aspects of marriage. And now that we’ve touched on some of the financial, social and emotional benefits, I’d like to hear what the biggest benefit of getting married is.

Returning to Happy Life is a minister of the gospel in the Church Of Christ, Brother Felmar Serreno. Hi again, Brother Felmar!

Brother Felmar Serreno: Hello, everybody. So getting right to it, I think the question was, Myrtle, what is the biggest benefit of getting married?

So, the biggest benefit of true marriage is being blessed by God in more ways than you can imagine. Just listen to how the Bible describes a husband and wife who have been blessed by God. In the Book of Psalms, the chapter is 128, the verses are 1 to 4. We’ll quote from The Good News Translation:

Happy are those who obey the LORD, who live by his commands. Your work will provide for your needs; you will be happy and prosperous. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine in your home, and your children will be like young olive trees around your table. A man who obeys the LORD will surely be blessed like this.

[Psalm 128:1-4 Good News Translation]

Brother Felmar Serreno: Isn’t having a happy, prosperous, and blessed home what every married couple dreams of? But what should we understand? Only the Lord our God can give true happiness and prosperity to a married couple. And this goes well beyond material things.

For those tuning in, never forget that there are many things money cannot buy, such as: God’s love and favor; the development of patience, understanding, and harmony between husband and wife; the growth and the strengthening of love and faith; God’s guidance and protection upon us day by day; the truth of God’s words taught to us in the Church Of Christ, which, when obeyed, paves the way to God’s tremendous blessings in this life and, more so, in the life to come. But what home will surely be blessed like this? The Bible stated, “Happy are those who obey the LORD, who live by his commands.”

Therefore, we should never do anything that would lead us away from obeying God’s commands that have been taught to us based on the Bible. Otherwise, we would forfeit God’s blessings upon our marriage and our home.

In connection with that, it’s important that we are reminded about the warning of the apostles regarding how we should live, especially nowadays. Let’s listen to Romans, chapter 12, verse 2, in The Message translation:

Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

[Romans 12:2 The Message]

Brother Felmar Serreno: The Bible teaches that we should not become so well-adjusted to the culture of society that we end up fitting into it without even thinking. So what should we do? Members of the Church Of Christ ought to discern if a practice or belief proposed by society is something acceptable to adapt [to]. And doesn’t our Church Administration continue to lead us in this regard?

For example, through the lessons we receive in worship service, aren’t we guided on how to analyze and compare what we encounter in the world with the teachings and values we have been taught based on the Bible? Well, why the Bible? Because it is the word of God—and that’s been proven to us many times in our Bible studies and in our worship service lessons. And what should we never forget about the words of God, His teachings, and His ways? In Hosea, chapter 14, verse 9, in the Today’s English Version:

May those who are wise understand what is written here, and may they take it to heart. The Lord’s ways are right, and righteous people live by following them, but sinners stumble and fall because they ignore them.

[Hosea 14:9 Today’s English Version]

Brother Felmar Serreno: The Lord’s ways are right. God’s teachings are the ultimate truth. That’s why it’s His words or teachings which should reign supreme in our life.

So, now I want to comment on something we heard earlier in today’s podcast. So, even if things like “dating for fun” or “living-in together,” without getting married first, might be common practice in today’s society, remember, that doesn’t make it the right practice.

Those practices lead to fornication or pre-marital sex, which goes against morality or God’s teachings. Actually, we just took that up in a recent episode with Kegan and Aila[faye]—so to all our listeners out there, if you want to hear Bible-based teachings on why the Church Of Christ does not agree with pre-marital sex or live-in relationships, please listen to that episode as well.

Myrtle: Thank you for those Bible verses, Brother Felmar, and for joining us again on Happy Life.

Brother Felmar Serreno: Well, thank you again for having me, Myrtle. Thank you to the Happy Life team. God bless to all the married couples.

Myrtle: So, Aedel and Darlene, how important is it to find a future spouse with the same faith and values as you?

Darlene: I think it’s so important to find someone with the same faith and values, because this is like what you hold at your core. Your faith and what you value in life is what motivates you to make decisions. Marriage is a forever thing. It’s a big decision that couples make, and when you have someone who agrees with you and understands you at your core faith and values, it just makes decision making in every step, after getting married, much easier to take.

Aedelbert: And I think it’s important because it allows your relationship to run more smoothly. You can make those decisions together, and you won’t clash because both of your values are the same. And like I mentioned earlier, with those values and beliefs aligning, your goals will also be very similar. So, then you’ll both know what it’s going to take in order to work together and reach those goals, so you know you’ll be able to maintain a happy marriage.

Myrtle: For both of you, was your faith in the Church Of Christ instilled in you at a young age?

Aedelbert: Definitely. Growing up, everything that I did revolved around Church [events]. You know, I went to all the Church activities. I was born and raised in the Church, even to the point where my family was so active they always helped and planned local activities. So, ever since from a young age I was always involved.

Darlene: Yeah, same for me. I was also born and raised in the Church, and I did also grow up going to all of the activities inside of the Church. But other than the activities, like, my mom was an organist for the choir, my dad was a head deacon. Both of those roles in the Church, you have to be at the place of worship early. When I was a kid, I was the only kid there. And then, sometimes, with those roles in the Church, you are also one of the last to leave. So I was also the last kid to leave the place of worship with my parents.

And that also carried into just growing up inside the Church, like when I was a teenager, to a young adult, and still now.

Myrtle: And how important was your faith to you in your late teens and early 20s?

Aedelbert: It was very important to me. Thinking back how my late teenage years, you know, when I was still in high school, one of my close friends actually asked me, he’s like, “Are you going to be doing this for the rest of your life? Are you always going to be going to your church worship services and activities like this, because you never really hang out with us and party with us.” And you know, it was a Friday night, I had choir practice scheduled, and I replied to him, I told him, “Yeah, that’s where my priorities are, and it’s always where I’m going to be.”

His reaction was like, he kind of looked at me weird and he’s like, “Oh, okay.” You know, “Do whatever you want to do, I guess.” I could tell that he didn’t really understand why I’d rather choose Church rather than, you know, go hanging out with them. He just didn’t really understand why I chose Church.

Myrtle: I know that you said that your friends didn’t really understand, you know, your stance and how much your faith meant to you. But what did it mean to you to stand up for your faith and to make sure that that was always a priority in your life?

Aedelbert: My family, my extended family, all of us were very active. They just instilled in me that no matter what happens, whatever you come across, always choose [the] Church and God first. Because of our faith, we were always taught to do what God wants us to do.

Darlene: Same thing for me. Growing up in the Church, my faith was also very important to me, especially because my parents were very active and they were officers, and same for my brother who was also an active officer in the Church. And it even went beyond my family. I had a lot of friends who were at the same activities as me, and at the same worship services that I was attending. So I am blessed to say that I had a community of friends and family inside the Church, and they all definitely helped me stay afloat in my faith. But this was especially essential during my teen years.

Myrtle: Because of your faith, how significant is it that you’re able to pray to God regarding your marriage?

Darlene: Being able to pray to God, especially about our marriage, it’s really important to me. But before I say more, I have a funny story, because when we were still dating I actually used to pray, like, “Dear God, if Aedelbert is not the one for me, please end things right now for the both of us.” But obviously we’re married now, so God had other plans. And now that we’re here, now we pray together. We started praying together when Aedelbert was courting me, and we still pray together now as a married couple.

Aedelbert: I think prayer is very important, especially when you’re in a relationship, because before we even got together I had a devotional prayer. And I prayed and asked God, “If Darlene is the one for me, if she’s the one who you want me to court, you know, show me the signs and allow everything to fall into place.” I think that if you don’t have a devotional prayer, if you don’t pray for this person, how do you know you’re supposed to be with that person? How do you know that person was given to you from God?

I mean, obviously, Darlene is the one for me because, you know, we’re married now. But I think it’s very important, even more so now that we’re married, that we continue to pray together. Now, we pray every single morning before we start our day, and then every single night we pray again, you know, just to ask God, “Thank you for being with us, thank you for all the blessings that we received today.” And the biggest thing is to let God be the center of our relationship, so that we never forget about him. And the whole reason that we are together is because of Him.

Myrtle: So God gave you the blessing to court Darlene, but how hard was it to get her parents’ blessing?

Aedelbert: Honestly, I was terrified. San Francisco Is not that hot. It’s very cold over there. But when I went there, I remember I was walking to the house, I was so warm. I was just sweating like crazy. I was super, super nervous.

Darlene: My whole family was there, my mom, my dad, and my brother. But not me, because I didn’t want to be there. So, I was in another room just letting him deal with whatever my family had to say.

Aedelbert: I sat down with her parents. I just simply asked, like, “Hello. I just want to ask for your blessing and for your permission if it’s okay to court your daughter.” And surprisingly, everything went really smoothly. Yeah, everything just fell into place.

Myrtle: Well, now you have almost six months of marriage under your belt. How has married life been, and how have you been blessed by God up to this point?

Aedelbert: With the new transition to a new city together, and we’re both relocating our new jobs, I was from San Diego, Darlene was from the Bay Area before we even got married, I feel blessed because everyone always says, “You don’t know your spouse until you actually live with them.” And, you know, you’re going to figure out all these little things that will just annoy you. But, so far, everything just worked out. Everything just seemed so seamless and smooth, that when we feel that somehow things won’t work out, somehow God always ends up providing things that we need.

Darlene: To go off of what Aedel said, we’re not saying that it was, like, 100% easy and 100% smooth. Like of course, there were adjustments that we both had to make, because this is obviously our first time living together. So, we did have to make adjustments. But it was, at least for me personally, moving in together and transitioning to married life together was significantly easier than I expected. It was stress-free for the most part. But yeah, if there were any moments where it didn’t feel easy, especially having God on our side, like, we knew at the end of the day that everything would be okay.

Aedelbert: Honestly, marriage isn’t something people should be wary of. Life feels so much more blessed having someone, my wife, Darlene, to share it with.

Darlene: Yeah, I agree. I am also very blessed to be married to you. Like it’s not just being able to be with your best friend every day, but it’s a blessing to know that this is my person, and he came from God. God gave Aedelbert to me, and that’s a great blessing to have.

Myrtle: And I’m so thankful to you, Aedelbert and Darlene, for giving us your perspectives on this topic and for sharing the benefits of marriage that you’ve experienced.

Darlene: Thank you for having us. This was fun.

Aedelbert: Thank you.

Myrtle: We hope that this topic we covered today has provided a new outlook on the benefits of marriage and reminded us about the fact that it is an institution that is truly a blessing from God.

This brings us to the end of our episode for today! To learn more about Christian relationships please visit www.incmedia.org.  If you’d like to say hi, send us a question, or see who our newlywed guests are, you can visit our Instagram account: @happylife.podcast.

Please also remember to share our podcast with your family and friends and all the newlyweds that you know!

Thank you from all of us here on the Happy Life team. We’re so glad you joined us today, and hope we’ve all been reminded about the blessings of marriage.

[Show Closes]

Cross Border Love During a Pandemic

[Show Opens]

Myrtle Alegado: With today’s technology the world doesn’t seem so large, and we can easily connect with friends and family. It has even made it easier to find a romantic love interest across borders, or even across the world, and stay in a long-distance relationship. We’ll discuss more about this in our episode today.

Welcome to Happy Life, a podcast brought to you by INC Media Audio that aims to help newlyweds navigate through the first years of marriage. I’m your host, Myrtle Alegado, and I’ve been married to my husband, Paul, since 1999. And later, we’ll hear some Bible-based advice through Brother Felmar Serreno, a minister of the gospel in the Church Of Christ.

[Show Catchphrase]

Inspiration to make your marriage thrive, you’re listening to Happy Life.

Myrtle: Our newlyweds, for this Happy Life episode, are a long-distance, cross border, transnational love story success! Zachary is originally from Toronto, Canada, and Isabelle is from the Bay Area of Northern California.

Thanks for agreeing to chat with us today on Happy Life, Zach and Isabelle.

Zachary Sese: Hello, Myrtle. Hello, everyone. Thank you.

Isabelle Sese: Hi, Myrtle. Thank you for having us.

Myrtle: So how was your day today?

Zachary: Not bad. We’re here traveling towards an area in Wyoming, a long drive.

Isabelle: Yeah, it was a long drive. This is our seventh state in the past seven days.

Zachary: We’ve traveled seven states in seven days, yeah.

Myrtle: Wow! Well, we appreciate that you’re joining us today, despite your traveling, and despite all the distance that you’ve logged on your car probably.

So we’ve had a lot of previous Happy Life guests who were also in long-distance relationships before marriage, but we haven’t really discussed, in depth, the challenges of being in one. Why don’t you two share how you met, and how you got engaged, and of course eventually married.

Zachary: Before we were married, we were actually both District KADIWA presidents. It’s an organization in the Church Of Christ for the youth that’s aged 18 and up who aren’t married. In 2018, we had a KadCon. This is a conference for those members within that organization. I was actually District KADIWA vice president at the time. Part of this activity is that we recorded something with KADIWA officers all across North America, and these videos would be shown to every local [congregation] across the world.

Through these videos, that’s where I actually noticed Isabelle in one of the videos. I guess she definitely caught my eye. I started to like her from those videos. So, I guess you could say I was a fan of her, but I mentioned to a friend of mine that I thought she was cute, she was pretty. And it turned out that Isabelle had actually visited Toronto recently to attend a wedding, and the friend that I mentioned to had actually met Isabelle. So yes, it was actually interesting. We actually had mutual friends already.

Myrtle: That’s so cool.

Isabelle: Yeah, so two months after that KadCon, late 2018 so probably late December and even early January 2019, the friend that Zach told that I was cute, shout out to Chryselle, she actually messaged me. She said that she had friends who were visiting the Bay Area for vacation. So she asked if I could meet up with them and tour them around. Then she eventually gave me Zach’s contact information.

So when I did reach out to Zach, I asked him for his itinerary, when they were planning to be visiting. But when I found out the dates he was visiting the Bay Area, it just so happened that I was going to be in the Philippines, so we didn’t actually get to meet in person. But we did start messaging on Telegram starting from then.

Zachary: Based on that, when we started messaging, I personally thought that she had no idea I was interested in her. I thought I was playing my cards right.

Myrtle: Playing it cool?

Zachary: Yeah [laughs], but we just kept talking and sending video messages to each other. And it was when she got back to California, after her trip, we started to video chat with one another, and then in January or February 2019 I finally told her that I liked her. And then from there, she mentioned, “Hey, you know, you’ve got to ask my parents.”

So in April 2019, so just a few months after, when I was able to get enough vacation days, I flew to California and asked her parents if I could officially court her. And then, thankfully, we got engaged two years later in June of 2021. Actually, I wanted it to be sooner. I wanted to propose, actually, the year before that. But because of COVID-19, the restrictions were really tough. So, I was just waiting for that one opportunity to just be able to fly.And then we ended up getting married in January 2022.

Myrtle: Yeah, that darn COVID.

Isabelle: Oh, yeah.

Myrtle: You know, if anything, it kind of taught us patience a little bit didn’t it?

Zachary: Yeah. [laughs]

Isabelle: It definitely did.

Myrtle: Well, that was kind of a whirlwind, you know, relationship from 2019 to getting married in 2021. What were the biggest challenges in having a cross-border long-distance relationship or, you know, what people call LDR?

Zachary: See, what’s actually funny is that before I met Isabelle, I actually didn’t want to date anyone from the West Coast. I apologize to anyone from the West Coast. Just hear me out. [laughs] It’s just that it’s far from Toronto, and I always thought that there was a big challenge with the time zone. The three hours, it can get pretty, pretty difficult especially later at night.

But when we did get to see each other it was never long enough to visit, and the limited vacation days and other responsibilities, it made it really hard for us to be able to have a lot of time to really spend with one another.

Isabelle: So for my side, very opposite side of the spectrum compared to Zach. I’ve actually been in long-distance relationships, and I actually preferred it because I had a little bit more of independence. But when Zach and I were in an LDR, I thought it was way more difficult because I knew he was the one, and I wanted to be with him already, especially in person.

So, I guess the biggest challenge was to be patient while waiting to see each other in person. With the three hour time zone difference, it was definitely difficult to schedule quality time, because whenever I was sleeping, like early in the morning, he was already getting ready for work. And then whenever he was getting ready to sleep, I was just getting out of work. So, that was pretty difficult for us to coordinate, especially with our busy lives, but we found a way. He would usually just stay up till 2am and wait for me. So that’s how we were able to find our quality time.

Zachary: Actually to interject with that, it’s funny because the years that we were dating, because I really pushed myself to stay up for her to adjust to the time zone, I  think all these years I’ve always been on the west coast time zone.

Myrtle: [laughs] You started training yourself early, I guess. Well you know, I completely understand, because when my husband and I were dating, way before video chats were even available by the way, he lived in Hawaii and I was in Toronto. So, our time difference was six hours.

Isabelle: Oh, wow!

Zachary: Oh, man!

Myrtle: Yeah but you know, we made it work too. So, that’s one thing you take away from long-distance relationships, right? You put in a little bit more work, but it’s worthwhile.

So is there anything you enjoyed about having a cross-border, long-distance, relationship?

Isabelle: For me, I really liked being able to focus on my life. In relationships, when both people are from the same area, you tend to see that they devote a lot of time to each other, which is not a bad thing. But from my personal experience, I felt like I always put myself on the back burner and focused on the relationship only or more. So, being in a long-distance relationship, that really allowed me to find that balance. So, I got to spend more time with my parents, I focused on my career, my responsibilities with Church, and even my self-care time, and I got to spend time with Zach because we really had to schedule everything.

Zachary: We talk about it a lot that we both really enjoyed the space. I personally felt like I had the appropriate amount of space, and even though we were apart, it [was] almost as if we had the space, but we were still together because we would video call a lot with each other. So, I could do my activities, she could do her activities. I could perform my duties, she could perform her duties, and we could do whatever we needed to do. It was enough for us, because we were still in each other’s lives. But because we were so far from each other, we were very understanding that we both had our individual lives, our responsibilities, and priorities. And we never really had any arguments about the lack of attention or not having enough time for each other. So, the physical distance made us more understanding of the fact that we had other things to attend to.

Myrtle: Yeah, and then when you do, you know, have your time together it’s almost like you cherish it a little bit more, right?

Zachary: It definitely means more. We definitely valued every time when we were physically together. It really felt much more.

Myrtle: See, only LDR people know this, right? [laughs]

Zachary and Isabelle: [laugh]

Myrtle: Now aside from your video chatting, and your video calls, how else did you stay in touch and communicate with one another?

Zachary: Well, what’s interesting is that the way we actually met, per se, was through messaging. So, we were always used to communicating with one another that way. It started from text messaging, and then it evolved to sending video messages, and then eventually to video calls. So a good chunk of time, when we never hung out, was on video calls and we understood that was the nature of our relationship, and we were very understanding and supportive with that. We both used up a lot of our data usage during that time. And, you know, I would say phone plans are a lot better in America than in Canada, so it was a lot easier for her to keep up with our video calls versus me. Sometimes I had to tell her, “Sorry, I don’t have any more data. I’ve got to wait till I get home.” [laughs]

So, because of that, that we would use up our data or whatever internet we have, even when we were working at our offices, sometimes we’d stay on video call just for each other’s presence. That was enough for us. Knowing that we were far, just the fact that we know that we were there and it was almost like that was our support for each other. I promise you, we were not slacking off. [laughs]

Myrtle: Okay. [laughs]

Zachary: Actually to be honest, when we video call, I would probably say less than 50% we’re actually talking to each other.

Isabelle: It sounds really cheesy. We’re just staring at each other.

Zachary: No. [laughs]

Myrtle: No, I totally get it, because just having each other’s presence, even if you’re not saying anything, it’s a comfort knowing the other person is there. So, I totally understand.

Isabelle: Oh, yeah. And even during the pandemic, when we were just at home, or we’re doing chores, or attending meetings online, we just ended up staying on call with each other the entire time. Surprisingly, we never got tired of each other.

Myrtle: So, what were your parents’ reactions to your long-distance relationship and then, you know, getting engaged and having to decide who would move?

Isabelle: So, I’m very close to my parents. I also want to say I’m the youngest child, and I’m the only daughter. So, a lot of pressures of being their daughter, but overall my parents were really supportive throughout our relationship. My dad, if anyone knows my dad, they know that he is super strict, and he was extra strict on Zach.

Myrtle: Uh oh!

Isabelle: It’s as if he knew Zach was the one, so he did things to kind of test him throughout our courtship. But my parents were really happy that they were able to see Zach loves and he takes care of me, and they know that he’s a really great guy.

So, when we got engaged and we started preparing for the wedding, I could tell the idea of me leaving the house gave them some sort of separation anxiety and empty nest syndrome, especially for my dad. My mom, you could see a little bit of that in her, but she didn’t really show it. She actually showed it way differently. The week I got engaged, so the same week, she already started sketching out how she wanted to transform my room into her home office and crafts room.

Yeah, I remember I was working from home, and she just brings in her notepad and a pen and she just walks in and just starts drawing something, like ”What are you doing?” She’s like, “I’m trying to figure out where to put all my furniture when you move out.” So yeah, she was definitely a little more eager for me to leave. She was so very supportive of me and Zach.

In terms of moving, my parents wanted me to keep my job where I currently work, because I’m very blessed to have an amazing working relationship with my bosses and co-workers and work is very stable in that company. So, from what I initially researched, when I was looking at job opportunities in Canada, it would take me a minimum of one year for me to be able to legally find work if I were to move to Canada, which would have definitely been a challenge financially. But, ultimately, my parents, they knew that it was going to be Zach and I together for life. It’s our life together. And their advice to us was to keep a devotional prayer for God’s guidance on the best place for us to go.

Myrtle: Absolutely. Before we go to you, Zach, and you know your parents’ reactions to your relationship, what do you do for work, Isabelle?

Isabelle: I’m currently an electrical design engineer for an engineering consulting firm.

Myrtle: Oh, wow.

Isabelle: Oh, yeah. A very, very difficult program, but I’m really glad I stuck it through.

Myrtle: I see now. So if you moved to Canada, you would have to get recertified and whatnot.

Isabelle: Exactly, yeah.

Myrtle: Okay, I understand now. All right, Zach, you’re up.

Zachary: Well, when we first got together, my parents actually were very supportive and excited, knowing that I’m with someone that has the same values and faith. So my parents have always been the type to give me guidance on my relationships, but will also allow me to make my own decisions. I would say that was always kind of a good thing and a bad thing, because I liked it because, you know, they let me make decisions. But also sometimes when I’m confused, sometimes they’ll give me, like, a philosophical answer hoping I make the right decision. And sometimes I’m just like, “Can you just tell me what to do?” [laughs]

But jokes aside, it was really helpful that they allowed me to learn from everything. When I decided to fly to the Bay Area to visit Isabelle and ask for permission to court her, and later on to propose to her, my parents simply said, “Okay. Ask God for guidance to be sure of your decision.” That was always what they wanted, to make sure that everything that I do is reliant on God’s will and not my own.

My parents also wanted to keep me close, for sure, and wanted me to stay in Canada. And I think any parent would want their kids close, so it’s always only natural. Obviously, they hoped Isabelle would move to Canada, but they knew that wherever we ended up would be what God’s answers to our prayers were for us. So, maybe it was a bit hard, but they were more happy knowing that where we’re going is what God has for us, because they know that God knows what’s best for us.

Myrtle: Mmhmm, I’m sure that it was a little hard for them to let go, but they know God’s got you, right?

Well, when you got engaged, you know, aside from your work situations, what were the other things you looked into regarding moving after you got married?

Isabelle: So, when Zach just finished his master’s and he wanted a career change in that field, we thought that it was a really great opportunity to take advantage of the different job opportunities the Bay Area has to offer. And that’s pretty much what the deciding factor was for him to move to the Bay Area.

Zachary: Yeah, because we both had stable jobs. With me trying to find my position and striving for a career change, it just made sense for me to move to the Bay while Isabelle stayed at her job, because hers was, you know, she was really sure of what she’s doing already. Our only concern was when I would be able to work, because I would be waiting for my work visa to be approved. That was the only, I guess, caveat. I don’t exactly enjoy not working, but we knew that it would be a short-term, temporary, concern.

Isabelle: We definitely do consider relocating to Canada one day. That was honestly our initial choice because of wanting to stay close to Zach’s parents. And yeah, the free health care would be very beneficial, especially when we decide to start a family. Zach loves the snow, the cold winters, and buying coffee from his favorite Canadian coffee shop every day. I would just have to adjust my sunny California standards whenever we do decide to move out there.

Myrtle: Yes, get used to the snow! [laughs] What was the process you underwent to see how and if Zach would be able to move there?

Isabelle: We researched the immigration forms and the legalities of Zach moving to the Bay Area. Once we figured out what we needed to do as well as the timeline, we actually had an immigration lawyer consulting us throughout this process, we went straight into apartment hunting. Zach actually flew into California two months before the wedding. So, our wedding was in January, he moved in November. And he moved early so that he could start helping with the final logistics of our wedding planning as well as with the apartment hunting, and he stayed with one of our friends during that time.

So throughout those two months, he really dedicated a lot of time to researching areas that we wanted to live [in], especially somewhere close to work. Because anyone who’s listening to this podcast, if you’re familiar with any metropolitan city, traffic is really bad. So, I definitely wanted to live closer to where I worked. We also researched the amenities we really wanted to have, one of which was an in-unit laundry, and then of course what would fit our budget.

Zachary: You know, it was really timely because once we found a place we were interested in, the U.S. Thanksgiving holiday rolled around, which meant Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals.

Myrtle: Yessss!

Zachary: We bought our first apartment home basics, like bedding, cookware, and did our best to look for any used or unwanted furniture we could use. We pretty much got everything in our apartment on Cyber Monday.

Isabelle: Oh yeah, and we stored everything in my small bedroom at my parents’ house. Once we found that apartment, Zach moved into it two weeks before the wedding to really prepare and set everything up before the wedding day, and that helped tremendously. It was definitely like a weight lifted off our shoulders so that we had a place to go to right after we got married.

Myrtle: Must have been exciting too, that feeling of knowing you have a home, you know, right after your wedding.

Zachary: Oh, definitely. It was really comfortable knowing that living there, even for the first week, and saying, “Oh, this is our home.” I just have to get used to I won’t see snow.

But I would say the most difficult part of the moving process was the moving day. We picked up the moving truck, loaded it with all of our belongings and furniture, drove the truck about an hour away, and unloaded it at the apartment, just the two of us. It was a solid workout.

Myrtle: I can imagine.

Zachary: It was the most strenuous but most rewarding workout we had. And I think it was also a good experience for us, because it also gave us an instance of team building for us in our relationship. So, it was great.

Myrtle: Moving can definitely be pretty stressful, but if you work together, you know, and that’s an important thing to learn early on in your marriage, right, that teamwork? So, that’s pretty awesome that you guys have that. There’s definitely a lot to consider when it comes to moving from one country to another, but I’m glad it all worked out for you both.

Right now I’d like to welcome back Brother Felmar Serreno, a minister of the gospel in the Church Of Christ. Hi again, Brother Felmar. It’s always nice to have you here with us on Happy Life.

Brother Felmar Serreno: Hi, Myrtle! Hi, Zach and Isabelle, and hello to everybody tuning in. Well, like you mentioned at the outset, Myrtle, this isn’t the first time we’ve had guests on the show who are the product of LDR or long-distance relationship. Our avid listeners are well aware that in those previous episodes, one thing to be noticed is how our guests spoke of prayer, how communicating with God regularly has been a huge factor for the stability of their relationship.

And one of the reasons behind that is there’s only so much you can know about a person through text messaging or video calls. I mean, how can you gauge true compatibility when you’re both in different time zones, when visiting each other only lasts a couple of days, or when you haven’t even tested the waters yet on how you handle disagreements and other challenges together as a team? Nevertheless, there is someone we can turn to, and should turn to, for guidance on whether or not this relationship is really meant to go the distance, no pun intended, despite the concerns that a long-distance relationship has, and who is that? None other than the Lord our God.

But why turn to God? Why conduct devotional prayers to Him regarding your courtship or engagement? Because as we’ve learned in previous episodes, a true spouse comes from God. That’s based on Proverbs, chapter 19, verse 14. For today’s Bible-based advice, there’s something we’d like to highlight that ought to be included in the devotional prayers of a man and woman who are in courtship or engagement, long-distance or not but especially if it’s long-distance. So, what is an important thing the both of you should be praying together about? We turn to the book of Colossians, chapter three, verse 14, in The Good News Translation, for the answer. I quote:

And to all these qualities add love, which binds all things together in perfect unity.

[Colossians 3:14 Good News Translation]

Brother Felmar: If you are truly sincere about the relationship you’re in, why wouldn’t you pray for that, right, that your affections, or your feelings, or true love for each other would grow? And why is this important? So that there will be unity, according to the Bible. If a man and a woman who are in a long-distance relationship are sincerely asking for unity in their devotional prayers then, by the mercy of God, He will help your relationship to grow in love and unity, in spite of the fact that you are physically apart from each other. Because think about it. You’re already miles apart from each other and then there would be a lack [of] unity? Even if just one of you is not on the same page, how can you expect a relationship like that to become something meaningful and solid?

So, that’s our Bible-based advice for today. For those who are in a long-distance relationship, if you’re serious and sincere about it, then you should be praying together. And what’s an important thing to pray for? That God would help you to overcome the challenges of a long-distance relationship, and that He would help you both grow in love for each other, so that there will be unity in your relationship.

As a side note, if neither of you are ready to hold this devotional prayer, well then, I’d say it doesn’t sound like the relationship is serious. [The] thing is though, if the relationship isn’t serious, then what’s the point? You see that’s the danger that others step into, a “relationship” without true direction. Things like casual dating either end in feelings getting hurt, families in conflict, or poor life choices. So again, if you’re not ready to hold devotional prayers about your courtship, whether long-distance or not, much better to focus on the other priorities of life in the meantime, like succeeding in school, building your career, and edifying our spiritual life.

Myrtle: That was a wonderful Bible verse and reminder about the importance of prayer, Brother Felmar. Thanks for sharing that with us today.

Isabelle and Zachary, do you have any tips now for other long-distance relationship couples in a cross-border, transnational, or international relationship, especially when it comes to dealing with immigration?

Isabelle: Some advice I would like to offer is document as much as you can about your relationship. So, save everything like photos, letters, messages, anything that shows proof of legitimacy of your relationship. I think those are the key things in applying for immigration. Thankfully, it’s a lot easier to save that information, because we’ve gone almost fully digital, but it can also be very overwhelming. Because I know with Zach    and I, we have three years worth of photos and you can’t send all of them. You have to really be selective of those things. So yeah, document as much as you can.

Zachary: We pretty much chose the photos that showed our best angles. No, no, I’m kidding. [laughs] But I would say, something we didn’t plan for was our change in who was moving where, and especially with the pandemic it affected how quickly one can be approved for immigration. But what I would say is don’t let the immigration timeline affect how you view your plans either. Ultimately the goal is to stay together, especially after marriage.

Myrtle: One hundred percent, yes. I agree. How did having the same faith as members of the Church Of Christ help you in your cross-border relationship?

Zachary: Having the same faith was pretty much the foundation of our relationship. It’s how we met. It’s how we found out our common interests. It’s how we progressed in our lives, individually and together. Sharing the same faith means always sharing the same understanding when it comes to priorities and values.

Isabelle: Even when we have disagreements, the first thing we do is ask God for the right answers. So we’re constantly on the same page in our relationship, because we know that we should do what God wants.

Myrtle: And if you don’t mind, can you share what you do pray about together?

Zachary: We always ask for peace, love, and harmony in our relationship. We always ask for support and understanding for each other, especially in the performance of our duties in the Church.

When we were still dating, we asked God if it was His will for us to be bound as one. When we got engaged, we thanked God for blessing us with the engagement. We prayed to God to guide us in our wedding plans and to bless us in our future marriage. As per the advice from both of our parents, we also prayed for guidance about where we should live and for us to remain active in our duties wherever we go.

Isabelle: Now that we’re married, we ask God to give us the qualities and characteristics needed for us to fulfill our duties as husband and wife. We always ask that God provides us with the things that we need, especially as we’re in the stage of praying for a family together.

Zachary: So pretty much always, always pray. Knowing we have God in our lives gives us the courage and hope we need to go through everything, such as when we went through the very extensive immigration process. We know that those are challenges, but that’s why we want to make sure that we rely on God. So we pray, ask God for help.

Myrtle: Absolutely. Well, here’s kind of a light-hearted final question for you both. When you first got together and were dating, what were the differences you noticed between Canada and the United States? It has probably changed since I became part of the, what I like to call, ‘CanaRican’ couples. So what are your thoughts on, you know, the differences you noticed?

Isabelle: It’s hard for me to generalize pros about the U.S. because I only grew up in California. Though it’s a huge state, it’s only one of the many states in the U.S., but because of that I never really felt what a true winter felt like. So to me, that’s a pro! So the worst weather that we have to go through in California is pretty much heavy rain, and even then the heavy rain doesn’t last very long.

I have family who actually live in Canada, so in Saskatchewan, and they tell me about how often they have to shovel snow just to get into their cars or get out of the driveway. I definitely don’t feel like I’m missing out. But other than the weather, I feel like Canadians in general are so much nicer than Californians, probably because we live a faster way of life and probably because Canadians have universal health care. [laughs]

Zachary: I would say for me, a con about California is that they have no winter. I like winter, I must admit. A pro, particularly in California, is the quality of coffee. Tim Horton’s is great. That’s part of our culture in Canada. But coming to California, there is so much more to learn about coffee that I never knew and just add that appreciation for it. And also the abundance of fast food. Many might say that that’s not a good thing but, hey, having many options is great.

To be honest, I still have trouble conceptualizing how far one mile is, and Isabelle has seen my struggle over these past few months. So to help me out, she has forced herself to convert to kilometers on Google Maps. So she said she’s pretty much given up on me learning it. So, she’s just going to adjust to kilometers for me.

But in general, those are pretty much some of the things that I noticed are different, but overall I’m really enjoying living here.

Myrtle: I totally agree with, you know, our much loved Canadian coffee, but I have to say I do love the minty iced coffee at Philz in the Bay Area. Anybody who’s been to the Bay Area knows this coffee with the minty leaves in it…..so good!

Zachary: Yes, that is true. That is very true.

Myrtle: Well, Zach and Isabelle, it was so awesome to have you both here with us on Happy Life, and hopefully you enjoyed your time with us as well.

Isabelle: Thank you so much!

Zachary: Thank you so much, Myrtle, and to all of Happy Life. We enjoyed. Thank you for having us. We really enjoyed it.

Isabelle: Thank you so much, Myrtle, for having us, and thank you to everyone who’s tuning in.

Myrtle: Being in a cross-border, transnational, relationship allows you to experience the best of both worlds in my opinion. There are definitely some decisions to be made when it comes to figuring out who will move where but, ultimately, as long as you’re together, that’s all that matters.

And that brings us to the end of today’s episode. To learn more about Christian relationships, please visit incmedia.org. If you’d like to say hi, send us a question, or see who our newlywed guests are, you can visit our Instagram account: @happylife.podcast. Please also remember to share our podcast with your family and friends and all the newlyweds that you know.

Thank you, from all of us here on the Happy Life team. We’re so glad you joined us today and hope we’ve all been reminded about the blessings of marriage.

[Show Closes]

Age Gaps In Marriage

[Show opens]

Myrtle Alegado: When you hear that someone you know is dating an older person, perhaps several years older. What goes through your mind? Do you form an opinion either way about their relationship because of a potential generational gap. Let’s see how the discussion unfolds today with our newlyweds with an age gap.

Welcome to Happy Life, a podcast brought to you by INCMedia Audio that aims to help newlyweds navigate through the first years of marriage. I’m your host, Myrtle Alegado, and I’ve been married to my husband, Paul, since 1999. Later, we’ll hear some Bible-based advice through Brother Felmar Serreno, a minister of the gospel in the Church Of Christ.

[Show catchphrase]

Inspiration to make your marriage thrive, you’re listening to Happy Life.

Myrtle Alegado: As mentioned earlier, our newlywed couple today has an age gap that might even be considered a generational gap as well. Jasmine and Mac are from Winnipeg, Canada. Hi, you two, and welcome to Happy Life.

Jasmine Balacano: Hi!

Mac Balacano: Hi there.

Myrtle Alegado: How’s Winnipeg life at the moment?

Jasmine Balacano: Pretty muddy, rainy. Not bad. [laughs]

Myrtle Alegado: It’s rainy here too, but, you know, such is the case with our west coast city. So when did you both get married, and how have you been enjoying married life since then?

Jasmine Balacano: We got married last year, May 2021, during the pandemic. We had a pretty serious lockdown at the time, and it was very stressful. We had to change the wedding date about three or four times.

Myrtle Alegado: Oh, wow.

Jasmine Balacano: Yeah, and we were only allowed to have 10 people at the wedding. So, yup. [laughs]

Mac Balacano: Yeah, and it’s  been a very busy year for us. I can’t even believe it’s been one year. I often joke with people that I feel like in 2021 I got a new life. We got married, [and] I ended up getting a new job. So, working in a new industry, building a new team, new processes and things like that. So work’s been very busy. We also got a new dog, Loki, who is a puppy. He’s almost one now, but you know around that time when we first got him, he [was] obviously quite the handful. So life’s been very busy, but of course we’ve been enjoying every moment of it.

Myrtle Alegado: I mean, all of that, plus a pandemic going on still. You know, I can imagine how, you know, hectic and intense the first year has been for you two. And I know other newlyweds can relate to how chaotic the first months can be.

So I know you have an age gap, and I won’t mention exactly how many years. Let’s just say that Jasmine’s in her 20s and Mac’s in his 30s. What did you like about each other in the beginning, despite the age gap?

Mac Balacano: You know for me, when I first met Jasmine, it was really just that our conversation clicked. You know, at that time, when even reflecting back on when I was talking to other people or getting to know people, you know, there’s always something kind of missing. And with Jasmine that was never the case. Our conversations just clicked, they flowed, they were very natural. We often talk about how we’re best friends, and we’re very fortunate to have that. But that’s definitely, you know, the biggest thing for me.

Jasmine Balacano: For myself, I was honestly unaware of the age gap. Actually, I think both of us were. We just had no idea. But we met at church and my first impression of Mac was like, you know, “Wow, he’s so active. He’s doing KADIWA stuff, he’s a CWS (Children’s Worship Service) teacher, all kinds of things. And one thing that always stood out to me too was, not just that he was already very successful but, he was just always dressed to the nines, in a suit, lift up the bottom of his pants…boom, funky socks and shoes. I don’t know, it just got me. I just thought that was so funny. I was like, “Who is this guy?”

And like he said, our conversations always just really clicked. We always had very witty banter and kind of like challenging each other. But overall, like, we always just kind of understood each other. When we were finally aware of the age gap, it never really felt like it was anything to be worried about, because we always just felt like we were on the same level anyway.

Myrtle Alegado:  Well, it definitely helps if your conversations are effortless, and age doesn’t indicate any compatibility in my opinion, and what’s that saying? Age is just a number. So, you know, I’m sure that’s pretty much how you two thought about the situation when you first started talking to each other.

And, Jasmine, you mentioned that Mac was active in the KADIWA. Let me just clarify that that’s the youth group in the Church Of Christ for those who are 18 and older who are unmarried. So now, you know, what [are] the things that you appreciate about each other’s personalities.

Jasmine Balacano: For me, things I appreciate about Mac is he’s very ambitious, he’s very much a go-getter, and it’s very inspiring. You know, when I first met him, he had so much going on, like, even outside of church activities. He was volunteering at all kinds of different organizations, apart from his own work. He wakes up every morning, and he’s just so optimistic. And you know, he’s the guy that would show up all the time. Like, you ask him to be there, he’s there. You ask him to do this, he’s doing it. He always keeps his word, and that was something that was very important to me, because he’s just very loyal and trustworthy.

One of the other bigger things is he is such a critical thinker. I never used to be a critical thinker. I’d say because I am much younger my perspective is not as broad, right? So he would always kind of challenge me and push me out of my normal frame of thinking, and he always plays up the opposing opinion whenever we have discussions. It’s really refreshing to have someone not agree with me, because I love to be right all the time. I just love to prove my point and be right, but I can never win with Mac I find. I can never win. But he’s like the perfect balance for me.

Myrtle Alegado: So he’s a sharp dresser, and he’s a stand up guy? Awww. [laughs]

Jasmine Balacano: Yeah, pretty much. [laughs]

Myrtle Alegado:  So, Mac, how about you?

Mac Balacano: Yeah, no I mean, sorry. I’m blushing a little bit here. So as Jasmine kind of described, I think you can kind of read between the lines. You know, I definitely have an A-type personality. So, you know, she really helps me balance my personality out. She really forces me to be more patient, really take the time to, what’s that saying, “stop and smell the roses,” just to slow down a little bit which I really appreciate. Because I think that’s so important that we all, even though we’re busy, we take time to really reflect and just to appreciate all the smaller and more simple things in life. And so she really helps to do that for me. So I really, certainly, appreciate that. The other thing is she’s very creative and handy. That is the complete opposite of me. I’m a very logical, structured kind of person, so I have a really hard time with very abstract kind[s] of things. And I’m really not good with handy things around the house, as what we’ve learned. So she’s actually the one who’s really good at that. So that’s really helpful.

Myrtle Alegado: And you’re going through a reno[vation] right now?

Mac Balacano: Yeah.

Jasmine Balacano: We are.

Mac Balacano: Exactly, yeah. So she’s been instrumental in that for sure. And yeah, she’s really great to bounce ideas off of, and to talk things through. And again, just because we’re looking at things from different perspectives, you know, that’s very helpful. And I guess, you know, one of the other more lighthearted thing[s] is she really helps me find great gifts for other people.

I mean, that’s part of her creativity, right. So I have a really hard time with that, so that’s fantastic. I know some of those are serious, some of those are a little bit more lighthearted, but at the end of the day, you know, I do believe that these are rare traits.

The other really great thing about her, she’s very empathetic and sympathetic to people. She really helps me kind of be able to put myself in other people’s shoes, you know, whenever I’m trying to understand other folks, so that’s really wonderful. I feel very lucky, you know, that she has those to kind of help balance me out. And she’s really my better half.

Myrtle Alegado:  And I think that’s so great. Honestly, I find that just like you two a lot of couples find that their spouse does complete them in a sense or, you know, helps them to feel more balanced, I guess.

And obviously, spouses each have different personalities. So, you know, are there occasions when you do get irritated with one another? Is that the case with you two? Does that happen?

Mac Balacano: [laughs] Yeah, no, definitely. I mean, I imagine that’s for every married couple. But, you know, for me, yeah, Jasmine can be all over the place. At times she can find it hard to focus. And so like a simple example of that, I think, is just as this past year we’re getting used to living together, you know, she’ll start one thing and she won’t finish it. She’ll switch to something else and then she won’t finish that. And then I’ll be like, “Hey, did you do this?” Oh, like, “I completely forgot,” right? Or, “Hey where’s this?” and it’s just somewhere you would completely not expect it to be. You know, she tends to get distracted very easily. Sometimes it feels like very often, but anyway. So, that’s something definitely, I’m challenged with at times.

Jasmine Balacano: It’s really funny, because I think he takes everything too seriously. You know, I’m always like, “You need to just relax.” And he’s very, like, everything needs to be organized. He’s not to this extent, but it’s basically like, “I don’t want my peas touching this,” kind of keep the food separate on the plate is kind of how I could best describe him. Like, he likes tidy, but in no way am I a tidy thinker or doer. I think it is more of the creative side of me.

And I’m very laid back, and he’s just very high strung about time, especially time and efficiency. And, you know, like, sometimes we can’t even go to the mall without him being like, “What’s the most efficient route to get from this store, to that store, to that store?”

Myrtle Alegado: 

Oh, wow. [laughs]

Jasmine Balacano:

And I’m just like, I’m a window shopper, right? I’m like, “Oh, I saw something there. Let’s go walk in there.” And he’s like, “That’s not part of the plan.” And I’m just like, “You need to relax.”

Myrtle Alegado: 

Don’t deviate from the agenda. [laughs]

Jasmine Balacano: Yes, he’s very, like, itinerary based if anything.

Myrtle Alegado: Can you describe how you do deal with your different outlooks or approaches to life in general?

Jasmine Balacano: I think like every married couple, you want to talk things through, right, in a rational, calm state of mind. Usually it’ll take me about 30 minutes to kind of come around and be like, “Okay, I was being a little too much there.” So, you know if I can tell he’s really, like, in the zone, ‘I need to think about this.’ And I was just kind of like, “No, I need an answer now.” You know, we’ll start a conversation and be like, “Hey,  can I just say something?” And that kind of gives the verbal cue to him that like, “I’m probably going to say something that you’re not going to agree with, but this is how I actually feel about it.”

And sometimes he’ll do that back to me as well. Like he’ll just kind of be like, “Look, this is obviously not meant to offend you, or this is not meant to be a hurtful thing, but this is really my perspective on it and I just want to let you know that it’s coming from a place of neutrality.”

Mac Balacano: I think there were moments in the beginning of our relationship, and including at the start of our marriage, where we’re adjusting to each other and certainly where we have moments where our conversations might have escalated. And I think it usually takes us a bit of time to come back around from that very initial, kind of knee-jerk emotional response that you might typically have in those situations.

And for us we really want, and take the time, to kind of calm down first. I think we learned that fairly quickly. We’re both feeling a lot of feelings, all the feelings, right now and maybe we just need to, you know, just take a moment, just calm down, and we’ll kind of continue the conversation later. But I think at the end of the day, you know, where we land is, like, and I really credit a lot of this to Jasmine, she’s really helped me get to this point especially as, you know, reminding each other that we’re on the same team, right? At the end of the day, we want what’s best for each other. And whether that means sometimes letting the other person have what it is that they want or that they need, or coming to a compromise of some sort, or something that works for the both of us, right?

She’s really helped me kind of understand that, “Hey, you know, just because sometimes we say something, it doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s what that person was intending to make you feel.” Our intentions aren’t necessarily bad. They can still be good intentions and very wonderful things that we want to come out of that conversation. And we just, again, need to take that time to really reflect and not be so emotional, so that we can, you know, land in a happy place or in a good place at the end of that conversation.

Myrtle Alegado: Well, I think it’s great that you can both recognize when the other is, you know, “triggered” at the moment and needs some time to kind of just back away from the situation, you know, really contemplate about things, and then you reconnect together and really get to that place where you’re both in a state of understanding of each other. So I think that’s absolutely awesome.

But going back to age gaps now, do you think your age gap affects how differently you approach things?

Jasmine Balacano: Usually, I don’t feel that our age gap really makes anything different. And if we do have a concern, we’re very straightforward with each other and we’re not trying to play mind games with each other either. It’s nothing like that. And it’s nothing about like, “Is that what your generation of friends do?” Like, we never, ever, question it like that. It’s more about the individual rather than what stage of life you’re in, I find.

Mac Balacano: And for me, you know, I don’t really think it affects how we approach things, per se. I think it just affects the nature of the problems that we face on an individual level, just due to the fact that we are in slightly different phases in our life, right? So, I think it’s not so much how we deal or approach the issue, it’s more we’re challenged with different things. I think that’s really where that comes in.

And related to that, I think our age gap does allow us to see things together or collectively in a more diverse kind of way. You know, it lets us approach things together from different vantage points or points of view, just because we grew up in slightly different generations, or we’re exposed to different things, or the current things that we’re experiencing at that moment are slightly different because of the different life phases that we’re both in. So I think through that, it just really helps us to be able to see things together from many different views, which ultimately I think helps us get to making better decisions, right?

Myrtle Alegado:  I can see that. Yeah, for sure. And you know, there’s different data out there that categorizes the ages of those who are Gen Z and Millennials. So I think Jasmine, I probably consider you as a Gen Z, while Mac is a Millennial. What are your views on this, these two generations, and how much do you think they differ?

Mac Balacano: You know, I mean for me personally, I don’t think Gen Z is all that different from Millennials. I almost feel like they’re Millennials but amplified. So I think of things like, you know, even better with technology or it’s more intuitive. That’s something that makes me feel really old when I have to ask, “What is that? How does this work?” So there’s that. I think the other thing too, broadly speaking you know there is more, what I see, more activism, more acceptance, right, in terms of different social issues or social viewpoints. And then speaking of social, there’s also social media differences, right? So for me, I don’t have a TikTok account.

Myrtle Alegado: Same.

Jasmine Balacano: I’m always showing him TikToks, like, constantly.

Mac Balacano: Yeah, so there’s stuff like that, right? There are those slight differences, but I don’t find them significant enough in a way that dramatically affects anything, I guess.

Jasmine Balacano: Yeah, I personally don’t like to consider myself Gen Z. I find myself right in between. I’m at the very end of the Millennial generation and right at the beginning of Gen Z. I feel like Gen Z’s have a very different outlook on life, in my opinion. I don’t feel that I share a lot of their opinions. I can’t come up with anything off the top of my head, but some things that I do feel that I share with that generation is, you know, not wanting to conform to societal [norms], or like, you know, pushing boundaries and limits. Those are some things that I feel that maybe I’m more in line with. But you’ll never see me doing a TikTok dance. Probably not. [laughs]

Myrtle Alegado:  But why do you think there’s a stigma to dating someone when there is an age gap? How do you feel about the stigma? And this is coming from someone whose parents have an 11 year age gap. And, honestly, I never really thought about it. So, you know, what are your thoughts on this?

Jasmine Balacano: Personally, I think it could be a Western perspective, that age gaps are inappropriate. There’s a lot of that going around, I find. And, you know, perhaps people might come to the conclusion, or maybe assume, that the person who is younger isn’t able to make a proper decision, or maybe they’re being, like, groomed is a word that I hear a lot.

But the reality is, you know, and especially for me and Mac in our situation, I think it’s personally fine for the people involved in the relationship, and more importantly because it was a consensual choice. Sometimes I feel nervous about the stigma, maybe that I’m being judged. I definitely can say that I definitely was judged for, you know, starting a relationship with Mac because he is a little bit older than me. But most of all, you know, like one of the things that always kind of was reassuring in my mind was that I knew myself, and I knew my relationship with Mac. Mac never pressured me. He never put anything on me in that way, any kind of his ideals or perspectives, you know. It was always up for discussion, and he was probably one of the only people regarding that topic that made me feel like I had a voice.

And, you know, we always make sure that even now in our marriage, that we’re talking about these issues and these needs when it comes to our generational [differences] or the way we approach things. And it’s not just because of our age gap, but it’s because we want to make these decisions with consent, respect and with love.

Mac Balacano: Yeah, and for me, you know, I think I’ve been fortunate that I personally never really faced the stigma associated with our age gap, or I’ve never really felt that way. But I do know that some people think that it can be, for example, like a red flag when there’s an older guy who may be dating a younger girl. And maybe I think, you know, for some people they might think, “Oh, you know, there must be something wrong with that guy. Why? Why can’t he find someone his own age?”

And I think that’s usually attributed to the lack of maturity and progression in their life, potentially, right, and I think also especially since girls tend to mature mentally and emotionally faster than guys. So, I do think that’s a valid concern in some situations, and I certainly, you know, have seen examples of that kind of play out. But I can appreciate why some people may have concerns around that.

Myrtle Alegado: That’s true. Every relationship and situation is different, for sure. Right now, I’d like to welcome back Brother Felmar Serreno, a minister of the gospel in the Church Of Christ, so that we can hear the Bible-based advice regarding our discussion today.

Hi, there, Brother Felmar! I hope you’re doing well today.

Brother Felmar Serreno: Hi, Myrtle! Hi, everybody. Doing well. Thank you for asking. Hello to Mac and Jasmine.

So regarding age gap, for example the husband is 5 or 10 years older than the wife or vice versa, is this a problem? To answer that, let’s be reminded about something first. Let’s be reminded that one of our Christian values is to respect and honor our parents. That’s why in the Church Of Christ, we are taught to communicate and seek approval from our parents first, before entering courtship, engagement, and marriage. Therefore, so long as parents on both sides do not disagree with the relationship, despite the age gap, then the two involved may proceed with courtship.

That being said, what should parents consider before giving their consent that their son or daughter can enter courtship, which is also something the individuals themselves should consider before courtship and more so marriage? So, I actually answered a similar question to this on one of the episodes for the Heart and Soul podcast. The questions are slightly different, but the same Bible-based teaching applies. So if everyone could please listen to what’s stated here in the book of Proverbs, Chapter 19, verse 14. We’ll quote from The New Revised Standard Version:

Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.
[Proverbs 19:14 New Revised Standard Version]

Brother Felmar Serreno:
So, based on this, one of the very important questions to ask oneself prior to getting married is: “Is this person that I am courting, or is courting me, the answer to my prayers? Is this person the blessing to me from God?” This is something parents ought to ask themselves too: “Is this person the blessing from God who will be the future spouse of my son or daughter?”

But how do you determine that? One way that helps is if you can answer yes to the following questions: Do they have genuine feelings for each other and have they proven themselves to be compatible with one another? Do they have stable livelihoods? Have they proven themselves to be mature individuals capable of making good rational decisions? Above all, are they both spiritually mature? So long as the answer is yes to all of those questions, age gap is not an issue.

Regarding the stigma or the judgments people may make about married couples who have an age gap, well, people concocting negative thoughts in their mind is something beyond our control. But what we can control is our reaction. How should Christians react to insults or negative thoughts against us for whatever reason it may be? We learned this in our Bible study on doctrines in the Church Of Christ prior to baptism. Let’s be reminded about this important teaching here in I Peter, chapter 3, verse 9. We’ll quote from The New International Version:

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
[I Peter 3:9 New International Version]

Brother Felmar Serreno:

We, Christians, should know better than to repay evil with evil. Rather, God expects us to repay with blessing or kindness. So, not just to Mac and Jasmine but to all married couples out there with an age gap, the next time you may get a weird look or remark from someone because of your age gap, what should we repay? Repay kindness.

So I’d actually like to ask Mac and Jasmine very quickly, “How do you control your reaction in these situations?” Obviously, human as we are, it doesn’t feel nice when you’re on the receiving end, right, of something negative. But at the same time, we are Christians, we are members of the Church Of Christ. In all circumstances, we must uphold our Christian values and the way we act or respond, right, we reflect the values that we uphold. So, how do you control your emotions in those types of situations?

Mac Balacano:  Well, Brother Felmar, you know, I think I’ve been fortunate enough in these situations, it’s not often that I have a negative reaction from other folks when it comes up in conversation. But you know what? When it does, I usually try to make it a little bit more lighthearted, in terms of the situation. I just say things like, “Oh, you know, but we feel age is just a number. That’s not how we define our relationship,” just something that is, you know, more neutral or lighthearted to not make the situation negative or anything like that.

Brother Felmar Serreno: Jasmine, how about you?

Jasmine Balacano: I’d say the same thing. I’m a little more quick with my comebacks. When Mac says we do it lightheartedly, I usually make a joke out of it or something. I’ll probably say something like, “Yeah, I know Mac’s graduation pictures are in black and white,” or something like that just to be funny about it. But it does get tiring. It can be a lot. Sometimes I just tried to ignore it, but most of the time I would play it off with a joke or something like that.

Brother Felmar Serreno: Since you mentioned it does get tiring, how do you help each other out? Like, do you talk about it afterwards? Do you, like, vent to each other? You know, how do you deal with that when it does get tiring?

Jasmine Balacano: I think, yeah, we would vent to each other. Like sometimes, if we were out with friends, and then like on the drive home, we’d kind of talk about it. And it’d be like, “Yeah, that’s kind of frustrating,” and then we would just kind of laugh it off and talk about something else. Like Mac said, it’s not something that we really base our relationship off of. Our relationship is so much more than the number between us, and that’s why it’s not that hard to brush off.

Brother Felmar Serreno: Well, there you go. And to everyone who’s tuning in, if you do have an age gap in your relationship, we hope that what Mac and Jasmine shared is of help to you. It does help to vent to each other, right, just to help each other, you know, get through it. Because like what Mac and Jasmine mentioned, as Christians, when you’re in the moment, it’s better to just have a neutral response, right, a light hearted response. You don’t want to make a big deal out of something that really isn’t a big deal.

Like what Mac and Jasmine mentioned, they are well aware their relationship is so much more than a number. But sometimes for others, you know, they don’t see it that way yet, right? So what are you going to do about that? That’s not within our control, right? But having that lighthearted response, because we are Christians, it helps to ensure something small doesn’t get out of hand. And then we can always talk about it after as husband and wife, just to make sure we’re doing okay and get on with our day.

Well, that’s all the spiritual advice that I have at this time, Myrtle, for our episode for today. I hope everyone enjoyed it and it was of benefit to everybody. I’ll sign off now, and I’ll see you all next time.

Myrtle Alegado: Thank you again, Brother Felmar, for sharing those Bible verses that definitely did inspire all of us today.

Jasmine, earlier you said that you felt like you were sometimes being judged for your age gap. And Mac, how do you feel about telling people about your age difference?

Mac Balacano: You know, I don’t personally really have any feelings about it really. It just kind of rolls off my tongue if it’s a relevant part of the conversation. Because to me, you know, it’s just a normal relationship, and again I don’t think it’s something that we or myself really use to define the nature of our relationship.

Jasmine Balacano: Yeah, I’m actually fine with our age difference. Before it used to bother me, and then it kind of stopped, and then recently I think with the current social climate, it makes it such an uncomfortable topic. It’s not that I’m like, “Oh, no, my relationship is inappropriate.” It just makes it really awkward to want to tell anyone, because just the phrase itself, ‘an age gap,’ already has some sort of negative connotation to it. Just kind of what Mac said, it’s just like a normal relationship. And we’ve always been on the same page in terms of our views and things like that. So I am totally fine with it. It’s just something that feels a little bit odd to discuss sometimes.

Myrtle Alegado: And how much has your faith helped you in being understanding of one another and in accepting each other’s differences, and maybe even, you know, kind of dealing with people’s thoughts about your relationship, whether they’re warranted or not?

Mac Balacano: Having the same faith and belief system, first of all, I think is one of the most important things that you need to have in a relationship. And really because that common ground really creates a foundation for your relationship, creates a foundation of who we want to be, what we want for a future together.

Even around the time when Jasmine and I were thinking about getting engaged, before we got married, you know, we had those kinds of discussions, right? We really wanted to nail down, like, what do we want our future to look like? And I think that’s super important that people have those kinds of conversations. You know, “Do you want to have kids? Where do you want to live?” No matter what those kinds of conversations are about your future, I think the underlying thing that should be there, that would really help people, is that you have the same faith and belief system. I think that’s really important.

Myrtle Alegado: A hundred percent I would agree with you. So can you share what role prayer has had in your marriage?

Jasmine Balacano: Prayer has always been a very important part of our relationship, even more so now in our marriage, and even the days leading up to our wedding. Knowing that when we pray together that God is with us and that, you know, we can really rely on Him in our relationship to ease any of the anxieties or the worries we have about the future. And we know that every time we pray, that we’re able to do that together, that God is there with us, you know. And it’s always been a comfort to us whenever things were falling apart, even when things were going amazingly, you know. We always would pray and just be so grateful and thankful no matter what happened.

And especially when we’re planning for our future, one of the things that my mom always told me and I held it with me when I met Mac, even before we were getting married and now, is my mom always told me that you should always be with someone that brings you closer to God and that a relationship that revolves around God will be a successful one. I’ve always held that very dear to my heart. Every time we pray together, we’re never really that worried. We just trust.

Myrtle Alegado: As it should be. So what words of encouragement do you have for newlyweds, or engaged couples, even those who are simply just dating, who have an age gap that might be considered a generational gap as well?

Mac Balacano: Yeah I mean, for me, I think there’s going to be, you know, practical issues, some of which I’ve personally experienced. You know, whether that’s people having their own thoughts or opinions, or either of you are going to be in a slightly different phase in your life, right, maybe one of you is working already full-time, but someone is still in school or trying to sort out what their future could potentially look like. And just kind of think those through ahead of time, and just make sure that you’re okay with it, or have that discussion between the two of you to make sure that you’re on the same page.

And you know, for us, as Jasmine has mentioned, you know, it’s a conversation. We want to make sure that we’re both okay with it. It’s give and take, right? We’re building a life together, and we’re both pitching in in different ways.

So, you know, I think at the end of the day age is just a number and I personally don’t think it should overrule what you feel about each other. I think everything else that we’ve talked about, the foundation of your relationship, like all that stuff needs to be there. And I think age is just one of the many other different considerations that you should be thinking about in terms of your relationship.

Jasmine Balacano: I agree with Mac. You know, when we first started dating, I felt a little bit left behind. I wasn’t as successful, I was still kind of starting out my career. I was still in the process of, like, establishing myself in terms of my own personal success. But my best advice is, you know, find someone who wants to communicate with you, someone who wants to have those really hard discussions, those difficult conversations, right, and someone who’s encouraging you.

And these conversations always have to be done with open hearts and open minds, because if you don’t have that willingness to understand, that willingness to love unconditionally, when that stuff gets hard then it kind of speaks for itself. So, that really is kind of my advice is just be open minded, you know, be open hearted, be understanding, and be patient most of all.

Mac Balacano: And finally, I think if you pray about it and you have God’s blessing, we talked about we’re very fortunate to have, that’s the feeling that we have in our lives, that we truly feel that, you know, God has been with us every step along the way, and it’s coming up to our one year anniversary. And, you know, I think that’s really the most important thing, right, that you not only have a relationship with each other, but that together you have a relationship with God. That’s really all that matters.

Myrtle Alegado: Those were great words of advice, Mac and Jasmine. And honestly, we’re so grateful to you for sharing how you’ve managed to deal with an age gap in your marriage and as newlyweds. So thank you both for joining us [in] our discussion today on Happy Life.

Jasmine Balacano: Thank you so much.

Mac Balacano: Oh, thank you.

Myrtle Alegado: Hopefully what Mac and Jasmine shared today will provide some comfort to other couples who are currently dating, or perhaps engaged to be wed, and experiencing the same challenges.

And that’s the end of our episode for today. To learn more about Christian relationships, please visit incmedia.org. If you’d like to say hi, send us a question, or see who our newlywed guests are, you can visit our Instagram account: @happylife.podcast. Please also remember to share our podcast with your family and friends and all the newlyweds that you know.

Thank you from all of us here on the Happy Life team. We’re so glad you joined us today and hope we’ve all been reminded about the blessings of marriage.

[Show closes]