In This Blog:
Mateo makes loud, gleeful sounds. He jumps up and down when he’s excited. He stacks his toys and still chews on a security blanket for comfort. But he’s nonverbal. So, most people are surprised to learn he’s 12 years old.
Early breakthroughs: expressing his faith in God
When I first wrote about my son’s autism diagnosis, he was 7.
We wondered, “Will he ever speak? Will he be able to take care of himself?”
So, we were so happy when he learned how to use his iPad to say “Amen,” generating speech through an AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) app.
Still, we prayed for years to hear Mateo’s voice. And we did! At 10, he spoke his first intentional word: “Amen.” He said it without prompting, and continued to say it during our family prayers.
Hearing our nonverbal child express his faith in God gave us hope—it powered us through our exhaustion and overwhelm. But Mateo was younger then, and we were too.
When it’s not “cute” anymore
The honest reality of parenting an autistic tween is that behaviors intensify with age. It’s not cute anymore. He’s getting bigger and stronger. And although Mateo is usually happy, he does get frustrated and have meltdowns. He smacks his head, yells, scratches, and can cry uncontrollably.
Is love enough to meet my child’s complex needs?
A recent psycho-educational assessment found that Mateo has an intellectual disability in the moderate range. He requires substantial support in the classroom to address his cognitive, adaptive, and physical needs. Adaptive needs refer to the intensive support required for daily living.
At home, we’re always adapting for Mateo. Love is the constant that keeps our family going. But is love enough?
More challenges mean more changes
My husband Michael and I are now in our late 40s and early 50s—all the extra cleaning and intensive support Mateo needs is a struggle. How do we stay focused? How do we stay hopeful?
As we strive to keep up, new episodes of the Making Changes podcast are giving us our game plan. Spoiler alert: none of the episodes are about autism, but each lesson shared helped us to dig deeper spiritually to address our current needs:
- Find Safety in God: “Even if you don’t know what to say, you can just tell God, ‘I don’t know what to say, but I need your help.’” A married couple shares the pain they feel as the “sandwich generation”–caring for their children while caring for their aging parents. Their desperate plea for rescue resonated with me.
Sometimes we’re so tired we miss things that could pose a danger to Mateo. But when we surrender to God, He keeps us safe.
How do I create a safe home for my autistic child?
PARENTING TIP: Lock everything! – To keep him safe, we have coded locks on our entrance doors, bedroom doors, and safety latches on our windows. Mateo still puts everything in his mouth, and sometimes eats things he shouldn’t (like uncooked hot dogs). He gets into sauces, makeup palettes, and marks up the walls, carpet, and furniture. So we also have locks on the fridge and every cupboard.
- Shift your Mindset: “Constantly change a negative thought to a positive one.” Rhea’s inspiring response to her life-threatening illness helped us realize we can’t afford to be negative.
So, we don’t look at what Mateo can’t do. Instead, we celebrate all the small wins: He put on his nice shoes. He wore his nice clothes. He let go of most of his toys. He sat down. He said, “Amen.” If we focused only on our problems, we’d miss all of these blessings.
What can I do to help my child develop speech?
PARENTING TIP: Label everything! – We label almost everything in the house. This idea is actually from Sam, a young man who grew up with a speech delay. Labels keep us organized and help us think clearly so we can think positively. We also hope labels encourage Mateo to speak more.
- Make Time for God: Rashad reflected on the worship service—going in early to pray, to be ready to “Listen and be changed by the Word.” Because, as his wife Mary said, “His commandments are not burdensome.”
For caregivers of children with special and complex needs, we encourage them to make time for God. There are only 24 hours in a day—we can’t have more. So, trade in 5 minutes of worrying to be 5 minutes earlier to the worship service. No solution out there is more powerful than God’s guidance in the worship service.
How can I help my child stay focused?
PARENTING TIP: Set timers! Timers help Mateo stay focused on various activities. We set 2-minute timers for brushing teeth. 10-minute timers to finish a meal. Timers also help us leave on time for school or church.
- Stay Close to God: “If we just look at the world around us, we’ll be too focused on something that’s not going to last.” Bernard’s goal was to understand his parents’ faith and see God’s blessings.
Worship service is where everything comes together, regardless of disability. We realized Mateo’s behaviour may be challenging, but he’s closest to God there, we’re closest to God there. And the only label that matters is that we’re all His children, serving our God.
How can I help my child stay calm?
PARENTING TIP: Use visual schedules! We make checklists with numbered photos or icons on checklists to teach Mateo the sequence for activities like brushing teeth and washing hands, and for daily routines for school days, evenings, and even for worship days. Mateo thrives in a predictable environment with clear expectations. Extra time to process reduces anxiety.
- Be Prepared for the Journey: “We have another place we’re going.” James found strength in the midst of grief when he reflected on the goal—to make it to Heaven.
Raising a child with special and complex needs is challenging, but we need to keep journeying. When I shifted from trying to fix my son’s future to focusing on his relationship with God right now, I found the strength to keep going.
How do I prepare for unexpected changes?
PARENTING TIP: Carry a Survival Kit! – To help Mateo remain calm and avoid meltdowns, or to cope with sensory overload, we always travel with the following:
- Noise-reducing ear muffs – block out sounds in environments that are too loud or overwhelming
- Weighted blanket or lap pad – these weighted items provide deep pressure that helps bring calm
- Sensory tools – fidget toys or soft textures are soothing and help regulate emotions
- Comfort items – favourite toys, blankets, or music can also bring calm
What improvements can we expect for our special needs child?
How do I create a safe home for my autistic child?
Mateo is a tween now, but still a happy boy most days. He’s happy at school and even happier in the Children’s Worship Service. He loves putting on his best clothes and heading to the chapel.
Mateo knows to remain quiet and seated during the lesson. He is growing in his ability to stay calm and regulated. I wish I could say it gets easier, but we have some tough days.
Once Mateo is in a meltdown, he’s in the “red-zone,” and we usually just have to wait it out. But prayer works when nothing else does—even during “red-zone” meltdowns. We let Mateo hear us pleading to God to comfort the things we can’t soothe. Almost every time I hold him tight, singing and praying, he calms down.
What change means to us
I realized that my job as a parent isn’t to know whether Mateo will one day speak, be baptized, or become a minister—my job is to raise him to worship our Almighty Father.
We stopped measuring success by typical milestones and started celebrating that Mateo loves putting on his best clothes for chapel, sits quietly during worship, and says “Amen.”
Change became our purpose because we were created to grow in faith, hope, and love while serving God—and if that’s our focus, we can keep up with anything Mateo needs.
