When You Don’t Feel Good Enough
Kiara Sahagun: There I was, running. My backpack felt heavy on my shoulders. I had just gotten off work after a long day of school in the early morning and was trying to catch the next train to avoid waiting in the cold for another 20 minutes.
I made it. But in between me trying to catch my breath and finding my seat, it hit me. I started crying. I was so exhausted. I was so fed up with how I was living my life; and not just from work and school but I was so worn out from keeping myself together and being strong for my family and loved ones.
You see, all my life, I felt this need to excel in all aspects and was determined to keep myself at the top of everything I was involved in: academic or extracurricular. My parents accepted my dream to become a teacher, but they continued to hope that I would be a doctor, or a nurse, or a lawyer…very original.
Deep down, I felt I needed to constantly prove my worth, to them and to myself. So, I applied to transfer to the University of British Columbia, a prestigious Canadian university that was a province away from my own, in hopes that this would give me some sort of leverage in my career. At the same time though, I was balancing a six-course load in school, work, and all of my Church responsibilities.
I kept pushing myself and kept telling myself that I wasn’t good enough and that maybe I’d never be good enough. It took an emotional, and physical toll on me. I felt suffocated every day because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I was miserable.
So, I asked for advice from my resident minister. The words of the minister really caught my attention, “It’s okay to sometimes feel like you’re not good enough.”
I froze. That was not the response I was looking for. I was surprised. It felt like my inadequacy was not unfounded, but instead, had just been confirmed.
He calmly continued, “If we always felt like we were good enough, then we wouldn’t need God.”
I was reminded that although we may try our best to be strong and take on all our problems, we can’t do it all on our own. Because I had been so focused on doing everything and to the best of my ability, I had ultimately made myself alone in my burdens, but what I needed to be reminded of was to rely on God.
I went home to pray. I felt so ashamed because I almost forgot that I had someone else in my corner to help me. I found myself telling God that I wasn’t good enough over and over again. But this time, instead of being overwhelmed by insecurity, I felt a sense of acceptance and comfort…comfort in knowing God wouldn’t ever turn me away
The moment I surrendered all my worries and cares to God, I felt the weight of all the expectations begin to lift off my shoulders. I wasn’t carrying the problems on my own anymore—they were now fully entrusted to God.
To this day, if I ever hear that voice in my head once again telling me that I’ll never be good enough at worldly pursuits, I always remember: I don’t have to be.
Because I had trusted in God and not in my own capabilities, God made up for all my shortcomings, and did more for me than I could have ever imagined. All the things I was praying for at that time, were all answered in God’s perfect timing.
Today, I’m currently living with my sister in Vancouver and going into my fourth year at the University of British Columbia. I’m still performing my duties, and my parents… my parents are proud of me.
So for anyone who is doubting themselves at this moment, continue to rely on God. He is the one who makes you feel like you’re good enough and He will make you worthy of His blessing. I know, because that’s what He did for me.
