Healing the Negative Thoughts by Chelsea Malicdem
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Watch the full Faith Speaks
San Diego Event
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Brother Joe Velasquez (Minister of the Gospel): Now, how do you heal negative thoughts that might lead some to low self-esteem? It might even be self-harm in others. Our next speaker found herself on a downward spiral until her parents stepped in and made sure she prioritized her spiritual health. Please welcome our last speaker, Chelsea Malicdem.
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HEALING THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
CHELSEA MALICDEM
Chelsea Malicdem: So, my family and I had just finished eating lunch and my mom asked me to wash dishes. And as I was scrubbing from plate to plate, the sleeves of my long sleeved shirt were getting wet. So, my mom asked me, “Chelsea, why don’t you lift up your sleeves? They’re getting wet.” And at this point, my sleeves were drenched. But I was having my own conversation in my head, rationalizing why I shouldn’t lift up my sleeves. You see, my sleeves were my safe place. My sleeves covered my forearms like a blanket I didn’t want to take off. They provided protection and warmth.
“CHELSEA! WHY WON’T YOU LIFT UP YOUR SLEEVES?!” And I stayed quiet, still refusing her request. I knew what was coming but I wasn’t ready to face my parents’ reaction. And as my mom is talking, the negative thoughts overpower her voice. All I could think of was, “Who have I become? Why couldn’t I just stop what I was doing? Enough was enough.” But I was still trying to convince myself, “Don’t you dare lift up your sleeves.” But I did it. I slowly pulled up my sleeves. First my left, then my right, enough for my forearms to be revealed. My mom looked at my forearms and there she saw my cuts, my scars. Her eyes were filled with shock and fear. My parents had no idea that this was happening to me. And as much as they tried to be the best parents they could be to me, I was having a war in my mind and let my weaknesses win.
I was 12. I was 12 when it first started. 12 is just such a hard age to be in. I would post depressing content on Tumblr and sad quotes on my second Instagram account with selected followers. My friends at school were also engaging in self-harm whenever they were going through something. And when I look back at it now, I realize those were the only narratives occupying my mind. I was in such a vulnerable position because I kept feeding my negative thoughts with negative content online. Self-harm gave me the illusion that I would have liberation from the pain and relief from the distress. It was like an escape from reality and a moment of absolute silence from the world. Deep down inside, I was chasing after clarity and peace, the two things that felt seemingly out of reach. Self-harm may provide temporary relief, but in the process of doing so, I was digging myself a deep hole. And the deeper it became, the farther away I was from feeling better about myself. People experiencing this may want the grass to be greener on the other side, but what I wish I knew then was: for the grass to be greener on the other side, we need to water it. And you may not know how much work needs to be done but every healing step you take is worth a shot. It was time for me to change. I no longer wanted to feel disconnected from myself, but most importantly, from God. I was ready to end this season of disconnection. I decided to cultivate a personal and sacred space for myself to feel alive again. It seemed like the negativity grew on me and made a home in my heart. Negativity was practically living in my head rent-free.
My parents sat me down to talk and it was a tough conversation to get through, but I explained how and why I started to hurt myself. And with pain in their eyes, they told me they just wanted me to be safe and protected. I knew I needed to change. So, at 15 years old, I cut my long hair into a bob. I also purchased self-help books on creating happiness and quotes to live by. I also learned about breathing exercises, mindfulness, facing emotions, and rationalizing personal experiences. Here’s something I wish someone told me at the time: there’s no shortcut to healing. And I can guarantee you that allowing God to heal you is far greater than any coping mechanism that you’ll ever use. You can spiritually heal by letting God take full control of your life.
I took intentional steps to be closer to God. I began holding devotional prayers and taking notes during worship service. I needed him badly. Going to the house of worship to have heart to heart conversations with God and revisiting lessons from past worship services empowered me to feel more connected with God and in touch with reality. Incorporating these spiritual habits makes life worth living. I was able to see the beauty of life and the beauty of God’s goodness. You know those multi-pocket folder organizers? Well, our minds have their own multi-pocket folder organizer. And when we fill our mental folders with God’s reminders and teachings, He can organize our thoughts and prove why His words made a difference in our lives. During my healing journey, I would reach out to some ministers for advice because I knew having a spiritual perspective would guide me in the right direction. And I would also reach out to my older brothers and sisters in the faith, and it was like having life coaches. Being fully present and involved in Church projects restored my strength and built faith. I know it’s going to sound cliche but when you are part of projects that aim to give back to the community or create immersive, faithful spaces, that is what ultimately helped me in my recovery. And the best part about it is that there are guarantees, which is God healing you from within. He is replacing your doubts with more joy and more reasons to stay hopeful and alive.
Today, I am the district vice president of the Christian Brotherhood International, which helps high school and college students while they’re still in school. Today, I am 20 years old and a fourth year Psychology and Child Development student at San Diego State University, hoping to graduate in the Spring of 2024. And I went into Social Psychology because I hope my experience allows others to understand how our attitudes form, and how forming intentional habits makes a more positive atmosphere for yourself and for other people. And if there is anything I hope you take away from this, it’s that taking ownership of our faith can improve our overall well-being—mind, body, and spirit. Recognize how your experience is making you feel, then think about what you want most out of life—your wishes, dreams, and prayers. Know that the sacredness of your life is worth preserving. So, lower the walls around your heart. Try to use this as an opportunity to propel you into action, inspiring you to be more hopeful, but most of all, closer to God, the sole, divine Creator of our intricate minds. The only One—the only One—who can flip that switch up here to shut off the negativity so we can be fully whole and finally be at peace within ourselves. Thank you.
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FAITH SPEAKS
– San Diego –
Brother Joe: If any of you felt moved, or learned something new, or found more reasons to hope, then put your hands together for all of our speakers.
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Thank you all, thank you all, for coming to this live, online event of Faith Speaks in San Diego. If you would like to watch these stories again when you get home, you may do so by watching them on the INC Media app. But before we go, Brother Matthew Capistrano, a Minister of the Gospel, has a few words.
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FAITH SPEAKS
– San Diego –
Brother Matthew Capistrano: Once again, on behalf of the Iglesia Ni Cristo Church Of Christ, we are so grateful that you joined us in our Faith Speaks event here in San Diego. Whether this is the first time you heard about the Iglesia Ni Cristo Church Of Christ, or you’ve been to our other past events, we hope this won’t be the last—the last time we would ever see you. We hope to see you again. Now, because aside from getting to know further about the brethren, as well as their stories and to be inspired, there is something more important that we would like to share with you, which are none other than the words of our Almighty God.
The world we live in now, it might bring anxiety and worry to many. With so much uncertainty in the world, one might wonder if there is anything to hope for. Sure, the stories we heard tonight, they were inspirational. They might have moved you. But why were our speakers able to stand before us and tell you their stories? Didn’t they worry? Weren’t they also tested? Yes, they became worried. Yes, they were tested. But because of their faith and because they took to heart the reminder from the Bible, they were able to overcome those worries, those tests. They were able to remain strong. Allow me to share with you what is written in Jeremiah 17:7:
[Most] blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in and relies on the LORD, and whose hope and confidence the LORD is.
Jeremiah 17:7
Amplified Bible, Classic Edition
It was not through theirs or any other person’s own capabilities that our speakers depended on. They believed in, trusted in, and relied on the LORD God, which is why they were able to have hope and confidence. Yes, we’re all limited in what we can do. We all have moments of weakness. But when God’s servants believe and trust in and rely on what God can do for them, we can certainly be confident and hopeful. That’s what we would like you to experience as well, which is why we again invite you to our Bible studies inside the Church Of Christ. Join us and receive His wonderful promises. Once again, thank you for being with us on our program, Faith Speaks. See you next time.
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