Summary:
I thought apologies fixed everything, that is, until I learned that forgiveness requires something much deeper. Discover the process that helped me transform resentment into peace and how prayer became the bridge between my hurt and healing.
Key Moments:
“Now look each other in the eye, and say, ‘sorry’.”
With my arms crossed, my instruction was firm. As the two teenage girls shifted reluctantly in their seats to face each other, one looked down at her hands, picking at her watch strap, while the other sobbed an apology, owning up that she started it. The girl to my left, nodded, sniffling, as she muttered, “It’s okay, I’m sorry too.” As I sent them back to class, I knew that this wasn’t over.
Forgiveness comes from within
Being a Year-Level Coordinator, putting out fires and teaching conflict resolution was part of the job. Apologising, and forgiving, are two of the hardest things to teach anyone, because when somebody hurts your feelings, it is difficult not to take that personally. I knew those girls still had resentment, and although they did say sorry, they didn’t look each other in the eye.
Anyone can learn to be brave, to be confident, and anyone can certainly say sorry and try to change. But to forgive and not have resentment? That takes willpower, and there’s a reason it does. Forgiveness comes from within.
So, how do you forgive someone who deeply hurt you?
It starts with you, and it moves through three things:
1) understanding what happened
2) choosing kindness over justice
3) praying for the strength to let go.
Start by Understanding Why It Happened
Forgiveness starts with understanding. Whether it was accidental or intentional, understand that it happened for a reason. You need to see or understand something. Maybe your friendship wasn’t really as genuine as you thought, and you had to see that your friend wasn’t really a friend. Maybe your relationship had unresolved concerns. Maybe your coworker had selfish intentions, and wasn’t even thinking about you, but still deeply hurt you.
We are human. We make decisions and actions that can affect those around us. This took me a while to get right, because when we’re deeply hurt, it’s easy to focus on ourselves and how we feel. We’re designed to worry about ourselves. Fight or flight thing, you know? It’s okay to feel angry. But the person who hurt you is also human.
When I say understand, I don’t mean sit there and justify or make excuses for your actions. To start the forgiving process, you need to understand that it happened, and it happened for a reason, because the next step for you is to decide how you handle it.
Choose Kindness Over Justice (Even When It's Hard)
To forgive, you have to choose kindness over justice every time. Perfectly said in this Verse of the Week, “Practice Forgiveness”:
And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32, New King James Version.
This took me a while to learn, so I’ll tell you now so you can marinate on it – You always need to see the other person as human, flawed. You are also flawed, so always be kind and understanding. That’s really hard, I know, but this is what happens when you don’t:
What Happens When You Refuse to Forgive
If I told my younger self that her circle of friends is no longer my circle of friends a decade later, she’d never believe me. But it happened. I’ve had friendships break because I refused to forgive them for a long time. Not forgiving someone can look like holding a grudge, which can cloud your perception.
Not forgiving someone can also look like quietly quitting on that person. You may not hold a grudge, but you’ve decided you’re done with this person.
No second chances. For me, that was my way of getting justice. I had a friend who deeply hurt me, and I’ll admit, I never told her. I just decided that she is who she is, and I no longer wanted to be friends with her. I made her actions her identity, and didn’t see her as anything else. Looking back at that now, I understand why I did it, but that cost me a friendship. Worse, it cost me my best friend.
As another Verse of the Week reminds us:
Forgive our friends when they have wronged us Remembering wrongs can break up a friendship.
Why Forgiveness Requires Willpower
It takes willpower to rise above your feelings of justice or being right, and to just be kind and forgive them for their mistake. There are times the relationship or the friendship will never be the same again, and that is part of life. But wouldn’t it be more peaceful on your end if you let go of that resentment and forgive them?
In the Church Of Christ, the love of brotherhood is a commandment of God. That means having love and compassion for the person who wronged you. To still treat them as a human, to be kind to them, and to have the willpower to still say hello and have genuine peace between you. That’s why it takes willpower. But the ability to forgive and to do so with sincerity is what makes Christian brotherhood different.
Pray for the Strength to Forgive
Forgiving someone does not come easy, and it doesn’t come easy because this is what determines your character. In times like these, as members of the Church Of Christ, we do not do this by ourselves.
Yes, it did happen for a reason, but maybe God meant for it to happen, because He has been guiding you all along? Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here, and at times like these, the best thing you can do is pray.
How Prayer Helped One Woman Forgive Her Father
Jessica’s story is one to put things into perspective. The pain that person inflicted on you can run deep, very deep, as Jessica details her path to forgiving her alcoholic father.
She talks about the prayer of forgiveness:
When I asked God to help me forgive. He helped me to forgive my mom, my dad…forgive myself …
Without faith I wouldn’t have forgiven, I wouldn’t have met peace. God is my rescuer. God is my healer. God is love. God is my strength.
God is loving, and He cares for us. God knows I make many mistakes, and I’ve let my anger marinate over a person who has deeply hurt me, but it never gave me peace. It was as if God was telling me that holding a grudge, or doing what I did to my friend, was not right.
How many times have I prayed and begged God to forgive me? Each time, He did forgive me, because I’m still here, and I still feel God’s love. If He can forgive me for my mistakes, then who am I not to forgive another person?
We need the strength to forgive. So who better to ask it from than our LORD God. Jessica said it right – God is love.
Forgiveness Starts With You
It’s important to feel your feelings, and know that it really did hurt you. Give yourself time to grieve, to feel, because after all, you are human. Those feelings are real, and they happened. Understand that what that person did to you, yes, was unfair and it really was painful. When the day ends and you’ve had time for yourself, begin the path to forgiveness. Understand, choose kindness, and pray.
Each day is an opportunity to start fresh. So when you’re ready, approach that person, and see them as someone who is just like you – a person who makes mistakes. Start a conversation with them, be kind, and go through what happened between you. When all is aired out, and all sides of the story are told, take a deep breath, and look them in the eye, and forgive them.
Want to experience the brotherhood inside the Church Of Christ? Join us for a Bible study or worship service. Contact us and we’ll connect with the congregation nearest you.
