Mariel Gutierrez: You’re listening to Faith and Family, a Christian Family Community that aims to provide Christian values. I’m Mariel Gutierrez. You know, it’s been said men are simple, women are much more complicated. We get emotional, we’re irrational, sometimes we want to fight, and sometimes we just need a hug! And on top of all that, we’re Tired Moms, so our hormones are everywhere. So this is probably going to be a problem for our husbands, right? So they have to deal with us, but you know what? They deserve… better. Because after all, they are gifts from God! So, I guess, in that way, we have to treat them better. This is a very special Tired Moms, guys.
We’re talking about our husbands. Today, we’re going to remind you – actually, we’re going to work through it together. You know? Because we don’t have it all together ourselves, we’re going to try and work through the top 5 things that we women need to know of how to be better wives. And with me today to help me out because we all know I need it, is Jewell, Emirick, and Bernie.
Mariel: Are you guys ready?
Emirick: Let’s do this!
Bernie: Very ready. Let’s do this!
Mariel: For our husbands! So, there are 5 things that can help us be better wives. These are suggestions. These are things that, like I said, that we constantly have to work through as women, right? And number one? Is a thing that every woman in the world has heard, that men are not mind readers. True or false?
Bernie: That’s true.
Emirick: Earlier in my relationship, I remember, you know, I guess, watching movies and reading love stories, and just kind of thinking he should know how I feel! Right? If I’m sad, I have my sad face on and I’m moping around, he should know how I feel and help me through it, but then he would be oblivious to it, and so, I learned that I have to just come out there and say how I feel, and what I’m thinking, and it’s a lot easier when you do that.
Jewell: Not only do we need to realize that men are super simple and not mind reader, that men have to realize that women are crazy! You know? And emotional!
Mariel: That’s a fair trade!
Jewell: Yeah! And they have to accept it. He’s made it very clear to me, like, my mind does not think like yours. Don’t expect me to understand how you’re… because he’s just… I don’t know… when he looks at me, because my… I’m so scatter-brained. I think of this, and I think of that. He’s just like, he looks at me and I’m just, he’s like, how in the heck did you go from that point to that point to that point?! And…
Bernie: I get that all the time!
Emirick: Me too! Like, how did you get from A to F to C to like, W?!
Bernie: How did that happen?!
Mariel: To us it’s so linear, right? We’re like, what are you talking about?
Jewell: And you just laugh at it, right?! You have to laugh at it!
Mariel: But you know what though? I think with just like what you were saying, it’ll be much happier, much easier on your marriage if you guys can just be honest. I think though, we have to acknowledge that there was a time, or maybe, you know, some of our listeners are tired moms out there, or tired wives even, or maybe you’re new to being a wife? And I think there is a time in your marriage where you’re kind of afraid of being judged or being rejected? Maybe that’s why you’re not saying
Jewell: But I think in a marriage, we have to be past all of that. We have to accept that there’s no more…
Mariel: … there’s no place to go anyway?
Emirick: And don’t be afraid of being judged, because… just put it out there! You know???
Jewell: And actually say that! Say that I’m afraid that you might judge me, but I want to be honest with [you].
Mariel: Alright, so, kudos to our husbands. A for effort, and speaking of effort… alright?
Emirick: Mhm. Number 2?
Mariel: Okay, number 2 thing that can help us be a better wife: don’t dismiss their effort… sss!
Emririck: Yeah. My husband and I had a falling out one time, where it’s kind of the same thing, I just dismissed his efforts. And he… we read this book called The 5 Love Languages, and so after this falling out we read and we started to understand each other. And he’s very busy at work. He’s an administrator at a high school, and so he is away a lot because there are varsity games after school, there’s always activities, so he works, you know, really hard during the day, and then sometimes really hard at night. And I miss him! And so me, I’m a “quality time” kind of person, and I love date nights, I love hanging out, and so when he first started his job as an administrator, and he was gone so much, I was so sad, and my sadness came out as anger! Because, yeah, it was a whole, like, oh why aren’t you spending time with me, and then trying not to complain, so I’m hoping he’s reading my mind, you know, all these things are happening. And so I’m just getting mad, and I’m feeling like he doesn’t love me anymore!
Bernie: Did you feel like rejection? Or did that start creeping into your mind as well?
Emirick: I started feeling like oh, you don’t love me, you love your job more than you love me. Oh, you’re going to your “Disneyland” again, you know? Snarky little…
Emirick: I called his job Disneyland! I’m like, it’s your “happiest place on earth!” You know?
Emirick: And so, I was having a hard time. Meanwhile, he’s struggling too, and I wasn’t paying attention [to him], I was paying attention to me, and how I was struggling that I wasn’t getting to see him as much. But you know, on his end he’s struggling, because he wants to be home, but he’s not.
Bernie: Mhmm. Sure.
Emirick: But he’s not complaining? And then…
Mariel: And so, just because he wasn’t complaining, you kind of took that as?
Emirick: As in he loves that [his job] more than he loves me.
Emirick: Meanwhile, he would do things for me that he could when he was home. Like, I’m thirsty every night, and I’m always going downstairs to get a drink of water, but he would always bring a cup of water and put it on the side of my bed.
Emirick: In the middle of the night, if he noticed my gas tank was low, he’d go and fill it up, so that in the morning, I had a full tank!
Emirick: If it was frosting overnight, he would come out before he goes to work, and he would wipe down my windshield… He would do all these little things, but I didn’t notice it, because I was so caught up in the fact that he wasn’t spending time with me. You know? And all that stuff.
Mariel: I think we just need to move to the next one. It’s love language, that’s one of the 5 things, right?
Emirick: Yeah. I think understanding each other’s love language has 3 benefits. Number one, you can speak your husband’s love language, so you feel he’s an “acts of service” , if that’s how he feels loved, then you can pitch in. You can do that too, you can speak his language. And, on the other end, you can perceive his love. Because… if his love language is “acts of service”, and he’s doing all these things for you, kind of like how my husband was, because he’s an “acts of service” kind of guy too, but I wasn’t seeing it, because that’s not my love language.
Bernie: Right, that’s yours…
Emirick: Right. I’m a “quality time” person, so I kept seeing the world through my eyes. And so, I think if you understand each others love language, if you see oh, he is loving me, you know, in his way,
Mariel: … our husbands?
Emirick: And then, at the same time, you can say ok what does, how does he feel love? And I can make those efforts to speak his language as well.
Mariel: And you know it’s funny like we said men aren’t mind readers and their very simple? Sometimes they’ll say what they also want. You know what I mean?
Everyone: Yes. Yeah! Totally!
Mariel: I’m like, you know what, I’m just sorry that I haven’t been in my right frame of mind. I’m exhausted, I’m not thinking straight – which is true, you know? And I was like, how can I help you? How can I make your day easier? What would make you less overwhelmed? And he was like, honestly, just clean the dog’s pad. And I kind of rolled my eyes like, seriously.
Bernie: And he was like no no, I’m telling you. Clean. The dogs. Pad.
Mariel: In tears. He’s like, I’m telling you. Please, help me.
Emirick: No, that’s not my love language…
Bernie: Mar’s love language!
Mariel: [Pouty] I don’t do potty pads.
Mariel: No, I get it though. Thank you! Thank you for enlightening me. What’s the rest of the love languages
Emirick: To help us all out, I’m going to tell you guys the 5 love languages. Are you ready?
Emirick: Alright, so you’ll see yourself in one of these. Figure out which language you speak. How do you speak love? Ok, one of them is, like we’ve learned, a lot of men are “acts of service” . Right? They like to help out, they like to do things for us, so that’s an “acts of service” love language. Another one is “words of affirmation”. So, you feel loved when people, you know, give you compliments or tell you you’re doing a good job.
Mariel: Tell me I’m pretty!
Emirick: Exactly! I think I’m a “words of affirmation” kind of person. I’m also “quality time”. So, another love language which is “quality time”, so you feel most loved when your spouse, your loved one focuses on you, spends time with you, and sits and has a conversation with you, or does activities. So that’s the “quality time”. 2 more! The other is “receiving gifts”, alright. So that’s one love language.
Mariel: I like that one!
Emirick: I know! Like, random I thought of you today and I got you something, you know.
Mariel: Oh no, I like to receive that one.
Emirick: Haha! Man, Mar speaks all of them! Okay, receiving gifts, and then the last one is “physical touch”.
Emirick: I know. It’s not exactly everything, because… I’ll tell you a quick story about that, but um… It’s like, holding hands, and
Mariel: [missing soundbite]
Emirick: You know, putting your arm around somebody, or just giving each other a massage. I think Jewell is definitely a “physical touch”.
Jewell: [missing soundbite]
Emirick: I’m going to tell you a quick story. So, we were taking a quiz on the love languages to try to figure out which one we were, my husband and I, and he was hoping to be the physical touch person, because he was going to prove to me physical touch, so I would understand that that’s his love language, and I would speak it more.
Emirick: And so, as we’re taking this quiz, he realizes that if it’s not sexy time, he really doesn’t want to hold hands, or massage me, or put his arm around me, or … it was the least of his love languages! And I was laughing about that because I was like see! You’re crazy.
Mariel: That is so funny!
Emirick: He’s “acts of service” . I’m a “”quality time””, “words of affirmation” kind of person, but it’s really important to understand each other’s love language. So you can see how they love you, and then also, speak their language. And I think sometimes with husbands, we take it for granted because… I don’t know?
Jewell: They’re going to love us regardless! [Laughs]
Bernie: Regardless of our crazy…
Mariel: You know the verse guys!
Jewell: I told Harmony [her husband] one time, you get the best of my happiness, the best of my sadness, and you get the best of my anger. You get the best of everything!
Mariel: Oh my gosh, we have to stop right there because that is the perfect segway to one of the things to be better wives. You guys want to guess what it is?
Everyone: What is it?!
Everyone: Ohhh… sorry!!! Can’t fix that one!
Mariel: Foot… in mouth. Umm… no we’re going to like, ok. So, [sigh] don’t be moody and un-wifely. So this is…
Emirick: I try! I know! I know. I’m like, I can’t help it sometimes.
Mariel: And the thing is, no, yeah… it’s very hard.
Emirick: If I know my moodiness is going to come out, and the monster is at bay, I need to remove myself, you know? Go to another room or something. It’s so funny because my husband recognizes it too! And I have all boys, so I’m the only girl, I’m the only crazy in the house. And he’ll tell the boys sometimes, it’s like, mom needs a moment, just don’t talk to her right now.
Bernie: Jerry [her husband] and I, we had a little bit of a falling out the other day, and it was over the … smallest thing. Instead of me trying to listen… because you know, you can listen but you’re not really hearing what each other [is] saying? For me, I think I was just going to prove that I was right and I was…
Mariel: You were listening so you could respond?
Bernie: Right, I was just trying to make my point…
Emirick: You’re planning your next step, yeah.
Bernie: Right?! I was like, this is happening, and you didn’t hear me, and I didn’t realize until he was like… you know, you don’t realize how you talk to me, or you don’t realize how your body language is, so even if you say you don’t, you don’t realize what you’re doing, you don’t realize how that’s hurting me, or that makes me upset.
Everyone: Ohhh. Yeah, ok.
Bernie: And so, I had to sit there, and I’m just like, you know… he’s… he’s right. You know?
Mariel: He was… what now?
Bernie: He was! Babe… Jerry! If you’re listening to this podcast, you were right. And I need to listen, and not just always be on the defense, because that’s my natural thing to do.
Bernie: So, after it’s kind of like, settled a little bit, and you know he was just like, well you know it’s already this time, and you know, we need to get food, we didn’t have anything in the refrigerator, he was going to go out and get something to eat, and I said, ok. Before he left, he went to go kiss my son, and then I looked and there was still that slight tension there, but I just… hugged him, and said, I’m sorry. I am so sorry that I made you feel that way, and I know that just saying sorry isn’t going to make everything better. And he goes, I’m sorry too. I don’t know where all that… he goes, well I kind of do know where all of that anger came from because he was having his own personal stresses, and he didn’t really want to bring home. And it was just at that moment, all of that just came out, and I just told him, you can’t always hold it in, because he loves me so much, that he’s not trying to bring any stress from work or traffic or any of that. He just wants to come home and be with his family, and that’s what he always says. All I want to do is when I come home, I just… you and Jojo [their son] are the two things that make me happy aside from performing my duty.
Bernie: And so, we just hugged.
Bernie: It was fine.
Mariel: This is actually last, but it’s definitely not the least, right? The thing that can help us, probably the most, be a better wife, right? Is to pray for our husband. We all, I mean, I’m sure the 4 of us do. Would you all feel comfortable with sharing what you pray for on behalf of or for your husband?
Bernie: I think for me, I just pray that… to let me listen, help me listen to my husband. Help me learn to listen correctly and not be so stubborn. I am.
Emirick: I pray, you know, for his leadership. I pray that he has peace in his heart, and strength in his character to handle all the things – because he handles a lot – on top of me being crazy – he handles a lot. And so, I pray that he has wisdom, peace and all those things, and…
Jewell: My prayers today are just… I’m thankful to have him. And I don’t pray for extra qualities for him, I think he’s great the way he is, I just really pray for me to be a better wife and a better mother.
Mariel: Me too. Of course. I want the best for my husband, and I want him to understand that he’s enough? You know?
Mariel: I want him to be content and happy. You know?
Jewell: We do need to stop being crazy, and they’ll be happy!
Mariel: I guarantee that!
Bernie: Ahhh! That should be a disclaimer!
Mariel: That’s been one of my prayers for myself on his behalf, is that I be able to help him to be happier. You know? Help him to have peace of mind, and I mean, after this discussion with you ladies, obviously I have a lot of work to do. There’s a lot of introspective things that I am taking away from this. You know? He’s telling me that cleaning the pad will make him happy? Then, let’s do that. You know?
Everyone: Yes. Exactly.
Mariel: Ok. So, before we end this, let’s just recap really quick. So here are the 5 things that can help us be better wives – well the 5 things at least we discussed here. So, number 1, men are not mind readers. Right?
Mariel: Number 2, don’t dismiss their effort…s! Number 3, to know each other’s love languages. There are so many resources out there for you to learn about love languages. And then number 4… [sigh] keep the crazy at bay! Don’t be too moody! And then number 5, last but not least, pray for your husband. Thanks for listening to us, and to this Faith and Family podcast. We hope to catch you guys again next time!
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